We have four kids running around the house these days causing trouble, spilling blood and creating laundry but we've never really felt like our family is complete. The husband and I have wanted one or two more but we haven't been in a huge hurry. About six monthsish ago we decided it was time to add another Miles to the family. We prayed about it, felt that it was right and decided to go for it.
Fast forward a half a year or so and still no baby but those four kids are still around and getting busier and the husband still works full time plus some more and is going to grad school and a few classes of my own and I started to feel like I was hanging on to my sanity by a short and rapidly fraying thread. I was spending too much time frustrated with my kids, upset with my husband and just overwhelmed and tired. So after more prayer and talking with my better half and more tears than one girl should ever cry, we, along with divine confirmation, made the decision that for now our family has four children and that's okay.
Right now I can't handle another baby. I want one. I see people all around me with cute baby bumps and sweet newborns and I want to be there again. But I also want to be present for the four babies I've already been blessed with. I want to be a supportive wife as my husband works harder and longer hours than most people and does everything that he can to make our lives better. I can't tell you why the answer six months ago was different than it is now, I don't understand the way God works but I know that He cares about me, He knows what I can deal with right now and He knows that my plate is full these days.
So many times we look at other people and see the way they are able to deal with life and kids and school and stress and we feel like such failures. We forget to give ourselves a break and accept that every person's abilities are different. So when I see those mommas with baby bumps and screaming newborns my heart twinges a little bit but that's okay. When it's right, we'll know.
Until then I'll just enjoy sleeping through the night.