No relation, just interesting (ish)

1.  Kindergartners make me mushy inside.  Especially these two.

Mine are the two looking at the camera...

I'm sorta in love with my six year olds.

2.  The best time to tackle a home improvement project is when you are 19 weeks pregnant and you and your husband are both in school and you have too few hours in the day.  FYI.

After complaining about the genius who put carpet in the dining area for a while (approximately 8 years now) we're finally ready to take the plunge.

We bought the laminate on Saturday with a strict, written in blood agreement that we would wait to install them after the semester was over.  Meaning May.

This was our main level last night right after we put the kids to bed.

Then this happened.

Look closely at the pile o' crap on the floor.  That was under our carpet.  We'd been living with that.  I also claim to be a pretty good maid...

I'd also like you to notice that pile of dust where our heat register is supposed to be.  The husband was digging around in there and found not one but two of my missing exercise DVDs.

I blame these two.

Before we called it a night the carpet was gone as well as those dangerous tack strips.  I had the extremely not difficult job of vacuuming up the years of dirt as well as any random staples, band aids and missing Barbie shoes while the handyman I married took care of the rest.  It was a pretty even trade... for me.

3.  We've finally figured out a way to read our scriptures regularly (more than once every six months), we read during breakfast.  Each of the kids reads, or repeats a verse and the husband and I read a few more.  We're kinda on a roll, it's been months since we started and we're still going strong.  It may take us approximately 27 years to make it through the scriptures but I'm just shooting for effort points not completion.

Oh and yes, my daughter is wearing a coat at the breakfast table.  My heater doesn't go any higher than 68 no matter how much snow is on the ground, it's very strange.

True story, I held the evidence.

I'm on the post once a month plan.  I see potential in this idea.  Of course I see potential in many things like Peanut Butter M&Ms and chocolate donut holes.  Sorry inside joke.  Is it rude when people say things like "you had to be there" or "inside joke, you wouldn't understand"?  Ya, I don't think so either.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.  Get ready to be impressed.  Let me share a few disclaimers first.  One, if you have an aversion to bodily functions click that little X at the top right corner.  Second, if you've never praised all that is good and holy for the invention of Clorox wipes you might not find this funny.

Is anyone still there?  Hello....

I woke up early one Saturday morning (I won't tell you how early, you'll cry) determined to be productive and responsible before ditching the kids and the husband to "run" with my neighbor.  We call it "running" but really we head to our neighborhood gas station and troll for chocolate milk but I digress.  Early Saturday morning I headed down to our cave of a basement to make the laundry switch.  I started pulling the clothes out of our antique dryer when I noticed brown marks all over our clean clothes.  "Weird", I said to myself.  "Oh well" and I kept pulling things out, the next thing I found was a chocolate doughnut hole.  In my dryer.  "That's interesting, I wonder who had doughnuts and where's mine?".  I finished emptying the dryer and found brown pin-striping decorating the walls of my dryer.  "Wait a second... WHAT????!!!!!  That's no DOUGHNUT HOLE, that's, that's (she stutters) that's ______!!!!!"

Yep, there was a log o' crap in my dryer.  Somehow it made it through the entire wash cycle and a good 90 minutes in the dryer.  Even better, I held it in my hand.

No Lie

Yep.  He's doing exactly what it looks like he's doing.

Nope.  I didn't stop and direct him to the nearest tree or even, gasp, a bathroom.

Dude, I was too busy taking a picture.

Why thank you, I will accept another merit badge for my Perfect Parent Sash.

It happened one night... to someone else.

A funny thing happened once to a friend of mine.  See this friend was hugely pregnant with one of her children who wasn't her first.  This friend also liked to stay hydrated.  Oh and this friend didn't like to admit when she was wrong. 

So one night this friend was out with her husband, they had been doing their date night thing while she had been hydrating and he had been offering to stop and let her find a bathroom.  She insisted she would be fine until they got home but first she needed to stop at the post office and mail one little package.  It was late at night, no one was there, so she was just going to run in and use the self- service thing, throw it in the drop box and they would be on their way.  Her husband didn't even have to come in, he could just wait in the car. 

This friend of mine went in and started to go through the nine zillion self- service steps and suddenly this baby that wasn't her first turned, right onto her weaker than before bladder.  By the way this baby was active and liked to practice underwater ballet or something in the womb.  Because this friend was so hydrated her bladder made an excellent launch pad.  She did an adult version of the potty dance that would impress any three year old and did everything that she could to control the body's natural reaction but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So in the middle of the post office she created a puddle.  This friend was in shock, she was a grown woman and so far had never had one of her older children urinate in a public place, this was not supposed to happen.

Now being the mature and self-confident person that she is, she said a four letter word and ran out to the car.  She left her purse, her package and her dignity behind.  After her husband finally understood through her hysteria what had happened, he went inside finished mailing the package, grabbed her purse, looked at the puddle and came back to the car.  He said "the janitor will probably just think someone spilled some water, let's get out of here!"

She's never been back to that post office since that awful night.

Mondays of the swearing variety.

I may or may not of/ have (someone please explain that rule to me) muttered words of the four- letter persuasion when the following things did or did not happen.  Possibly, maybe, almost certainly.

One of my children came home from school with head lice.

I stepped on the scale last Monday morning and found that all of my sweat, spinach and sit-ups produced a loss of one HALF pound.

I stepped on the scale again this am and found that a diligent repeat of the three S's produced a loss of NOTHING!  That makes me want to swear again.

I walked away from my computer for approximately 3 seconds and found that one of my children had "edited" my paper.  The paper due that evening and that I had already poured the majority of my working brain cells.

Yesterday morning my daughter stepped on my bare toe with her church shoes.  That made me feel nice and spiritual.

Smelling dog poop in the middle of the grocery store and realizing that it came from my son's shoe.  The same son's shoe that was wrapped around my waist as I carried him into the store.  The same son's shoe that was so nicely tucked between my jacket and my jeans.

Hearing my son dumping domino's all over my laundry room floor.  All one hundred and ninety million of them.  In case you were wondering they make a very distinctive sound that says "you'll never find all of us, sucker!"

My youngest son got us suspended from the gym for 30 days.  That means 30 days without the gym and their 90 (per day) minutes of childcare.  I may go insane.

Happy blankety blank Monday!

Kristen