Here's the truth, I've been in an abusive relationship for too long and it's time to move on. I've been belittled. I've been insulted. I've been made to feel worthless. Do you remember that quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"? Well Eleanor had it right, I've let this happen and it's time to put a stop to the madness.
I'm taking back my life. I'm taking charge of my future. I'm moving on.
My abuser has a name. Before you start calling the police and reporting a domestic violence situation let me let you in on a little secret, it's not the husband. Him and I are rock solid, it's the other person in our relationship. His name is ED. No, that's not his full name. He signs his hurtful words and underhanded plots with his real name, Eating Disorder.
Yep, that's right. I've been fighting ED for years now and I'm tired of it. He's been sneaky, he has told me that because I'm not anorexic or bulimic that I don't have a problem. Ha, that's a lie. Any unhealthy relationship with food falls under ED's domain.
He's been telling me lies. Here's an example.
ED: You don't really think you'll ever be healthy/thin/ strong do you?
Me: Well, I'd really like to be healthy.
ED: You know it's never going to happen so why bother?
Me: You're probably right, I don't want to be that person anyways.
ED: It's too much work and you know you're too lazy anyways, I'd give up if I were you.
Nice guy huh?
ED: The kids want you to make cookies so you have two choices, you can have no cookies or you can have them all.
Me: What if I just want one?
ED: Ya, like that's ever worked before. You know you can't do it so don't even bother. You have no self control.
Me: You're right, I should probably just eat until my stomach hurts. I can always start tomorrow.
ED: Good plan. Tomorrow would be perfect.
It took me a long time to put a name to this kind of thinking because I had always assumed that I was the one telling myself these hurtful things. Eventually I started to believe that every person was on a mission to hurt me. Every time someone said something nice to me I was certain they were lying. After all why would anyone believe anything good about me?
ED is sneaky. ED gets into every part of your life and there is nothing sacred to him. Your parenting? Fair game. Your friendships? Bring it on. Your relationship with your husband? There's lots of material right there. He had been telling me that if only I were thinner and more in control of my eating that I would be happier and that life would be better.
ED is a freaking liar! He doesn't know anything about happiness or love or true peace. He tries to make everything about food or exercise or the way you feel about your body. He doesn't know that life is about so much more than that.
I don't know if ED will ever truly go away but now I know he's there and I know that I'm not the one telling myself lies. Here's how one of our conversations goes these days.
ED: You know you ate too much at lunch so you shouldn't eat for the rest of the day.
Me: Why would I do that?
ED: Well overeating at one meal means that you have to eat too much for the rest of the day. You'd be better off it you just went to bed hungry.
Me: Can you hear yourself? You are such an idiot. Making one mistake doesn't doom me to a life of heartache.
That was very mature and thoughtful. Most of the time this is how it goes.
ED: You really need to go eat the rest of the birthday cake.
Me: Shut your face ED!
It's a battle. I wish that it were possible to just erase this from my life. If only I had that magic wand. Deep down I know what is best for my health and sanity and while having imaginary conversations with an eating disorder might not be your idea of sane it's helping me to move on to a peaceful place and isn't that what life is about?
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Helpful Hints (cuz I'm an expert)
Or not. I'm just learning a few things along the way and thought I'd share. So take this advice with a grain of salt or something...
1. Exercise. Please. Just do it, but there's a catch. Don't do it solely for the sake of smaller pants or less flabby arms. Do it for your sanity. There's something about exercise that makes life better. After the birth of my 4th child I suffered from some pretty serious postpartum depression. It got ugly but it could have been much worse. Going to the gym most days kept my marriage intact, kept my children alive and made it so I could survive.
2. Small portions. I've been eating healthy foods for the last several years but I noticed that my portions were slowly getting bigger. It's different for everyone but if I keep the between the size of my fist and the size of my hand I seem to do okay. It's enough to give my body what it needs without overeating.
3. Eat often. I eat breakfast, a morning snack, lunch, an afternoon snack, dinner and occasionally an evening snack. I don't let myself get too hungry. That's when I binge and start the "eating too much and feeling bad about myself" cycle.
4. Be accountable. I track my calories using an app on my phone. It's a bit frightening to see the calorie count of the peanut butter sandwich you just snarfed off your kid's plate. It's also a nice way to see what you're really eating and how you could do better. I also text my daily total to a kind and non-judgmental friend. She knows what my goals are and she knows what I need to do to reach them.
5. Be patient. This is the one I struggle with the very most. It takes time for your body to change. It takes time for your mind to change. I know that it took more than a week to put the weight on (duh) but when I see little tiny losses or even worse, gains, I want to just give up. I'm learning that it's a process, a long process but I also know that time is going to go by no matter what so I might as well spend my time making my life better instead of just wishing it were better.
So those are my wise and totally (not) new ideas. Now check out the outfit I put together yesterday. I was seriously impressed with my skills. All that blog stalking is finally paying off!
That picture is pretty decent but I think my face looks better in this one.
My husband is a lucky, lucky man.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
1. Exercise. Please. Just do it, but there's a catch. Don't do it solely for the sake of smaller pants or less flabby arms. Do it for your sanity. There's something about exercise that makes life better. After the birth of my 4th child I suffered from some pretty serious postpartum depression. It got ugly but it could have been much worse. Going to the gym most days kept my marriage intact, kept my children alive and made it so I could survive.
2. Small portions. I've been eating healthy foods for the last several years but I noticed that my portions were slowly getting bigger. It's different for everyone but if I keep the between the size of my fist and the size of my hand I seem to do okay. It's enough to give my body what it needs without overeating.
3. Eat often. I eat breakfast, a morning snack, lunch, an afternoon snack, dinner and occasionally an evening snack. I don't let myself get too hungry. That's when I binge and start the "eating too much and feeling bad about myself" cycle.
4. Be accountable. I track my calories using an app on my phone. It's a bit frightening to see the calorie count of the peanut butter sandwich you just snarfed off your kid's plate. It's also a nice way to see what you're really eating and how you could do better. I also text my daily total to a kind and non-judgmental friend. She knows what my goals are and she knows what I need to do to reach them.
5. Be patient. This is the one I struggle with the very most. It takes time for your body to change. It takes time for your mind to change. I know that it took more than a week to put the weight on (duh) but when I see little tiny losses or even worse, gains, I want to just give up. I'm learning that it's a process, a long process but I also know that time is going to go by no matter what so I might as well spend my time making my life better instead of just wishing it were better.
So those are my wise and totally (not) new ideas. Now check out the outfit I put together yesterday. I was seriously impressed with my skills. All that blog stalking is finally paying off!
That picture is pretty decent but I think my face looks better in this one.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
Monday, February 13, 2012
Week 6 or a chronicle of my action filled life.
This weekend I:
Those are just the highlights, we live an exciting life. Can you tell?
Happy Monday!
Kristen
Oh and this contest, it's interesting. So far I haven't made it into the top 5 but I'm hoping to be one of the slow and steady losers and eventually come out on top! That's the plan anyway, so I should probably stop eating Tootsie Rolls...
- lost my debit card (it's been cancelled so if you find it don't get any ideas)
- did not go grocery shopping, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel around here but I just can't find my gumption
- went to an excellent yoga class, if you're in the Salt Lake valley let me know and I'll get you the info, the teacher was AMAZING, no really she was
- took a Sunday nap, it was beautiful
- ate multiple Tootsie Roll pops, they're not even that good, I don't know what my problem was/ is
- did not give my sons or my husband haircuts, the husband is starting to get what he calls Alabama hair, poor guy
- went for a walk in the rain with my family, it was surprisingly cold
- lost 1 1/2 pounds, okay so I didn't lose that all over the weekend, it took a whole week but still!
Happy Monday!
Kristen
Oh and this contest, it's interesting. So far I haven't made it into the top 5 but I'm hoping to be one of the slow and steady losers and eventually come out on top! That's the plan anyway, so I should probably stop eating Tootsie Rolls...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Week 5, how time flies when you're not doing anything productive!
I try to take my pictures on Sunday mornings for a couple of reasons: one, the husband is around to provide photo guidance and two, because I usually look pretty decent.
Another bonus is that you get to see the lovely ensembles my boys put together.
That's my oldest boy. He is wearing, get this, 2 shirts, a sweater vest, 2 pairs of pants and suspenders. Pretty awesome is what I think. That's in direct contrast to my other boy and his stellar style.
Let's move on and get to the real meat of this post, are you ready for the week's total... I, get ready for it, gained! Yep, one whole pound. In case you were wondering the opposite is supposed to happen. So I'm trying not to freak out and eat the contents of my fridge but I've gotta say that I'm getting a little perturbed.
I've been talking to some successful losers (oxymoron anyone?) and the one thing they all have in common is portion size. I'm eating healthy but I'm obviously eating too much so I'm going to watch that this week. I'm also chewing more gum and drinking more water. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
One last picture, this is what the husband gets to come home to late at night.
Lucky, lucky guy.
Kristen
Another bonus is that you get to see the lovely ensembles my boys put together.
That's my oldest boy. He is wearing, get this, 2 shirts, a sweater vest, 2 pairs of pants and suspenders. Pretty awesome is what I think. That's in direct contrast to my other boy and his stellar style.
Let's move on and get to the real meat of this post, are you ready for the week's total... I, get ready for it, gained! Yep, one whole pound. In case you were wondering the opposite is supposed to happen. So I'm trying not to freak out and eat the contents of my fridge but I've gotta say that I'm getting a little perturbed.
I've been talking to some successful losers (oxymoron anyone?) and the one thing they all have in common is portion size. I'm eating healthy but I'm obviously eating too much so I'm going to watch that this week. I'm also chewing more gum and drinking more water. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
One last picture, this is what the husband gets to come home to late at night.
 |
| Do you like my circa 1999 pants? Go SHS! |
Kristen
Monday, January 30, 2012
Week 4, or is it 3? I'm confused.
The picture I took yesterday was the fourth picture but today is the beginning of the fourth week in the contest so should this picture be titled "week 3" because it shows the results of the third week or because it's the fourth picture am I correct in calling it "week 4" or maybe the first picture (which you will probably never see) should be called "the beginning" and then the last picture will be "the end" (original, I know) or maybe I should just relabel all the pictures with simply the date or maybe no one actually cares and I am the only one who lays awake at night worrying about these things?
I'm going to go with the last one.
So are you ready? Brace yourself, it's impressive. This past week with all of my exercising and eating healthy and making better choices I lost, drum roll please... NOTHING! Yep, that's right. Zero. Yay me.
You do get to see my baby's bear and his high water pants. I wanted to show you the ensemble he chose for church. Seriously, he chose his shirt and bow tie all on his own.
I'm passing my knack for throwing random colors together on to the next generation.
If you guys have any diet, exercise, matching, photography advice, I'm open to suggestions.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
PS- Half marathon training started today for the Thanksgiving Point race, I'm doing this training plan again. It doesn't suck, well the hills do but hills always suck.
I'm going to go with the last one.
So are you ready? Brace yourself, it's impressive. This past week with all of my exercising and eating healthy and making better choices I lost, drum roll please... NOTHING! Yep, that's right. Zero. Yay me.
You do get to see my baby's bear and his high water pants. I wanted to show you the ensemble he chose for church. Seriously, he chose his shirt and bow tie all on his own.
I'm passing my knack for throwing random colors together on to the next generation.
If you guys have any diet, exercise, matching, photography advice, I'm open to suggestions.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
PS- Half marathon training started today for the Thanksgiving Point race, I'm doing this training plan again. It doesn't suck, well the hills do but hills always suck.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dear week 3, you suck. Love, Kristen
When you eat cookies, go on a mini vacation, eat too much food and miss your workout you don't lose as much weight as you were hoping. Down half a pound. I know, I know half a pound is great. It's down, that's what matters. But still that number...
The husband was giving me photo advice. Then he decided that words weren't sufficient.
He's pretty hot.
When I win the pot o' money I've decided that I can't spend it on anything practical. No bills, groceries or shoes for the kids. I'm thinking a weekend getaway sans children or maybe some killer jeans or shoes or a day at the spa or maybe I'll go to the bank, cash it out in ones and just hold all that money. That would be cool. Last time the pot was around $300 something, that would be a lot of dollar bills.
I'm off to eat some 94% fat free kettle corn and an apple.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
The husband was giving me photo advice. Then he decided that words weren't sufficient.
When I win the pot o' money I've decided that I can't spend it on anything practical. No bills, groceries or shoes for the kids. I'm thinking a weekend getaway sans children or maybe some killer jeans or shoes or a day at the spa or maybe I'll go to the bank, cash it out in ones and just hold all that money. That would be cool. Last time the pot was around $300 something, that would be a lot of dollar bills.
I'm off to eat some 94% fat free kettle corn and an apple.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
Monday, January 16, 2012
Totally vain and superficial me (I am what I am).
What I'm about to show you is sorta scary, well it is for me. I'm scared to be photographed in such an unflattering way. I'm looking at the picture and wishing for a few cute kids to cover up the pooch.
My picture from Week One is frightening (I'm never wearing those clothes in public again) and I'm not brave enough to share that bad boy with you. So you get the one from yesterday.
Deep breath now. I'm going to share the Week Two picture. Wait, one more deep breath. Okay, I'm as ready as I'm going to be (be kind please).
Yep, there's some work that needs to be done. I also need to get a full length mirror to make these pictures more effective.
Yesterday I was down 2.5 pounds. Pretty nice is what I'm thinking.
Happy Monday!
Kristen
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sugar is dead to me! Dead!
Well, at least unconscious. Or maybe it's more like dazed.
See I had this idea at the end of September. I wasn't going to eat sugar for the entire month of October. Wait, let's back up a bit. I actually had this idea last year around August, I was going to not eat sugar till Halloween. I even had ideas for a website and wrist bands and t-shirts, I think there were even car vinyls. The name of our secret club would be NSTH, of course that's the abbreviation for No Sugar Till Halloween, obviously. We, meaning me, would walk around and see little decals that said "NSTH" and we would be like "OH MY GOODNESS! I totally know what that means." Then I finally fell asleep that night and I forgot all about it until late September of this year. This time I figured that rather than trying to convert the world to my way of thinking I would just worry about myself. Novel concept I know.
So this time around I made myself a little chart, stuck it on the fridge and stopped eating sugar. Sort of. Mostly. Well, you'll see.
Nice title huh? I like titles. So the idea is that on days that I stuck to the plan I got a giant X, when I didn't, well I had to write whatever it was I snarfed down. Here's a few of the gems along the way.
Take a look at the 17th, "cake and crap like that". Nice Kristen, nice.
Then the 31st, "Duh?!" To the point there.
You'll notice that there aren't solid rows of X's. I wasn't perfect but i ended up with 15 out of 31 days without sugar. Not too shabby, no matter what some people say (Kent, that means you). I noticed that days without sugar were easier, I felt better, I wasn't tired and I wasn't as overwhelmed with life and my workouts were amazing, I felt stronger and faster. I also noticed that the day after eating sugar things were pretty much opposite. I felt tired, frustrated and sick. So I've learned that my body does better without sugar. It just doesn't work for me even in small amounts. I also lost about 3 pounds along the way. I think it could have been more but I spent the first part of the month assuming that as long as I was passing on the sugar I could say yes to the 4 pieces of pizza. Ya, not so much.
November's calender is all done. Today has an X. Thanksgiving day has "Thanksgiving" in big letters. I'm good to go. I'll keep you posted.
Kristen
See I had this idea at the end of September. I wasn't going to eat sugar for the entire month of October. Wait, let's back up a bit. I actually had this idea last year around August, I was going to not eat sugar till Halloween. I even had ideas for a website and wrist bands and t-shirts, I think there were even car vinyls. The name of our secret club would be NSTH, of course that's the abbreviation for No Sugar Till Halloween, obviously. We, meaning me, would walk around and see little decals that said "NSTH" and we would be like "OH MY GOODNESS! I totally know what that means." Then I finally fell asleep that night and I forgot all about it until late September of this year. This time I figured that rather than trying to convert the world to my way of thinking I would just worry about myself. Novel concept I know.
So this time around I made myself a little chart, stuck it on the fridge and stopped eating sugar. Sort of. Mostly. Well, you'll see.
Then the 31st, "Duh?!" To the point there.
You'll notice that there aren't solid rows of X's. I wasn't perfect but i ended up with 15 out of 31 days without sugar. Not too shabby, no matter what some people say (Kent, that means you). I noticed that days without sugar were easier, I felt better, I wasn't tired and I wasn't as overwhelmed with life and my workouts were amazing, I felt stronger and faster. I also noticed that the day after eating sugar things were pretty much opposite. I felt tired, frustrated and sick. So I've learned that my body does better without sugar. It just doesn't work for me even in small amounts. I also lost about 3 pounds along the way. I think it could have been more but I spent the first part of the month assuming that as long as I was passing on the sugar I could say yes to the 4 pieces of pizza. Ya, not so much.
November's calender is all done. Today has an X. Thanksgiving day has "Thanksgiving" in big letters. I'm good to go. I'll keep you posted.
Kristen
Monday, July 25, 2011
The "Weighting" Game
Have you ever had reality smack you in the face? I have and let me tell you, reality isn't very kind. It's like a giant hand with long fingernails and warts and sharp, poky rings. It hurts. I've been trying to lose my baby weight for a while now. Okay, two years and it just isn't going anywhere. If you had asked me a few weeks ago what my diet was like I would (slightly smugly) have told you that I always eat a healthy, high fiber breakfast, never drink less than 3 quarts of water a day and I certainly rarely eat anything with sugar or fat.
Ya, not even.
Apparently I've been deluding myself into thinking I eat the way I did when I was training for a marathon and successfully losing my twin baby weight. Sure, I eat oatmeal for breakfast but I might also have a handful or three of the kid's cereal or maybe I'd have a few pieces of toast. Then I'll have a few snacks throughout the day but I don't know if you can call them snacks when they're full size meals. I don't ever drink soda (I don't like the taste) but I haven't been drinking enough water either. If I were planning my emergency water supply based on what I've been drinking, a pint or maybe 2 would be sufficient. And apparently I eat some sort of junk food like cookies or candy or toast with a ton of butter and cinnamon sugar every day. I think I felt that because I go to the gym everyday and run outside whenever I get the chance that somehow I got a free pass on the food. My head knows that's a bunch of bull but apparently my face didn't get the message.
I'm tired of deleting half our pictures because I don't like the way I look. I'm frustrated with all the clothes that don't fit. I hate feeling like I could run faster and further if only I wasn't carrying this extra weight. Most of all I hate that food has such a hold on me. It scares me.
So now that I know what I'm really eating, it's time to make some changes. I'm back in the habit of tracking my food and water. I'm also trying to slowly change the way my family is eating. They've been mirroring my habits and that's just not cool. So we're slowly switching all of our bread to whole grain, I've been spending more time in the produce section and I'm taking the time to notice how I feel and what works and what doesn't. I think one of my problems has been that I'd follow all the rules and stick to the plan for um, a day and get angry that I hadn't lost all the weight so I'd quit. Mature, I know.
Losing weight takes time, it takes focus and most of all it takes hard work. So any suggestions? What has worked for you? What should I try? I'm not interested in pills or magic shots just real food. I would also like to know how I can get my kids to eat better.
Wish me luck!
Kristen
Ya, not even.
Apparently I've been deluding myself into thinking I eat the way I did when I was training for a marathon and successfully losing my twin baby weight. Sure, I eat oatmeal for breakfast but I might also have a handful or three of the kid's cereal or maybe I'd have a few pieces of toast. Then I'll have a few snacks throughout the day but I don't know if you can call them snacks when they're full size meals. I don't ever drink soda (I don't like the taste) but I haven't been drinking enough water either. If I were planning my emergency water supply based on what I've been drinking, a pint or maybe 2 would be sufficient. And apparently I eat some sort of junk food like cookies or candy or toast with a ton of butter and cinnamon sugar every day. I think I felt that because I go to the gym everyday and run outside whenever I get the chance that somehow I got a free pass on the food. My head knows that's a bunch of bull but apparently my face didn't get the message.
I'm tired of deleting half our pictures because I don't like the way I look. I'm frustrated with all the clothes that don't fit. I hate feeling like I could run faster and further if only I wasn't carrying this extra weight. Most of all I hate that food has such a hold on me. It scares me.
So now that I know what I'm really eating, it's time to make some changes. I'm back in the habit of tracking my food and water. I'm also trying to slowly change the way my family is eating. They've been mirroring my habits and that's just not cool. So we're slowly switching all of our bread to whole grain, I've been spending more time in the produce section and I'm taking the time to notice how I feel and what works and what doesn't. I think one of my problems has been that I'd follow all the rules and stick to the plan for um, a day and get angry that I hadn't lost all the weight so I'd quit. Mature, I know.
Losing weight takes time, it takes focus and most of all it takes hard work. So any suggestions? What has worked for you? What should I try? I'm not interested in pills or magic shots just real food. I would also like to know how I can get my kids to eat better.
Wish me luck!
Kristen
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