That one night I tried to nurse a fiber filled product

One night I heard the baby crying.  So I got up.  Picked her up and latched her on.  Peace reigned again.

Then I heard Maggie crying.  From the other room.  

So what was it that I was cradling in my arms, trying to nurse?

A pillow.  A fluffy, non- human pillow.

Will someone please come sleep train my 5 month old baby?  I am so tired.

Love me please!

Click on the Bloglovin button to the right please.

Because my self esteem could use a few hits today.

In other news, check this out.

It was like it happened in slow motion.  It just kept falling and there was nothing I could do.  Then the crash.  I knew there was no hot gluing this baby.

Yes, it is just another piece of technology but I love it!  When the husband put an iPad on our list I scoffed at him, saying that it was just a big phone, what was the point?!

Guess who ended up adopting it for her own...

Here's a short rundown:

• I use it when I teach Sunday School
• the three year old occupies himself while I do my homework
• I watch my favorite cooking show 
• the oldest draws pictures
• I look up creative, read: free, ways of making my house pretty
• the husband watches any and every kind of sporting event
• I pay the bills
• my older boy smokes everyone at Temple Run
• I procrastinate laundry
• my younger girl watches Minnie's Bowtique
• I JUST LIKE IT!!!!!!

We're mourning it's loss and trying to decide if replacing it qualifies as a valid use of some of our Emergency Fund.  The logical part of me says no, definitely not but the whiner in me, she wants one NOW!!!

Cue the tiny violins please.

Kristen

All things come to those who go after them. 

Rob Estes

Completely unrelated but equally stellar

One night the husband and I were getting ready for a night of fun.

We searched and searched but could not find Antiques Roadshow anywhere on our fancy television. 

I know, you're also shocked and dismayed.  The husband rapidly flipped through our 3 channels with no luck.  Finally we looked at the clock.

It was 5:30. 

In the PM.

Also known as late afternoon.

We had put our four children to bed slightly early, as in approximately an hour and a half to two hours early.  Go us!! 

Hey, in our defense it was already dark outside and the kids can't tell time (apparently we can't either) and obviously they were tired or I'm sure we would have heard from them... probably.

Moving on now.  Here's another awesome story for you.  My grandpa passed away a little while ago (he was very sick so it was definitely expected).  My dad called and asked me to let my siblings know.  It was getting to be late at night so rather than rudely calling my siblings and messing with their evening routine I thought I'd just send out a nice group text letting them know what was going on.  And yes, I know, my "tell people things in a thoughtful and tact way" gene is missing.  I'm looking into surgery.

I put my brother on the list, my sister, my mom and then, well things went awry.  My other brother had two contacts.  I wasn't sure which number to choose but because I'm super smart and not at all lazy I chose both.  I composed my little message and said, actually, let's move to conversation format.  Are you ready?

me (to the group):  Grandad passed away.  The funeral is on Saturday in Animas, burial in Virden.  Love you guys.

(few minutes pass....)

Adrian (my other brother):  who is this?

me (remember I'm not a grown up yet):  your alter ego

Adrian:  seriously who is this?

me:  someone who's way cooler than you

Adrian:  I am serious, you are starting to freak me out, who is this?  What happened to Grandad?

(okay, at this point I'm starting to think something is up...)

me:  it's Kristen, your favorite sister, I just wanted to let you know what was happening

"Adrian":  I don't know who you are but you obviously have the wrong number

me:  oh no!!!! (crap) I am so sorry!!  (why am I such an idiot) I don't know how to act like a grown up, (when will I ever not be so clueless) I am so sorry (I am a moron).  Your Grandad is okay (great, now I've freaked out some dude).  I thought you were my brother (crap).  I am very sorry (deleting contact...).

Let's review just a sampling of the ways I went wrong: 1- you never tell someone in a text that their loved one is no longer on Earth, 2- you don't insult people who are trying to figure out who you are and 3- delete old contacts.

I tell you these unfortunately true stories to make you, dear reader, feel better.  See, no matter how socially clueless or inept at parenting you may think you are, YOU'RE NOT!!

Love you guys!!

True story, I held the evidence.

I'm on the post once a month plan.  I see potential in this idea.  Of course I see potential in many things like Peanut Butter M&Ms and chocolate donut holes.  Sorry inside joke.  Is it rude when people say things like "you had to be there" or "inside joke, you wouldn't understand"?  Ya, I don't think so either.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.  Get ready to be impressed.  Let me share a few disclaimers first.  One, if you have an aversion to bodily functions click that little X at the top right corner.  Second, if you've never praised all that is good and holy for the invention of Clorox wipes you might not find this funny.

Is anyone still there?  Hello....

I woke up early one Saturday morning (I won't tell you how early, you'll cry) determined to be productive and responsible before ditching the kids and the husband to "run" with my neighbor.  We call it "running" but really we head to our neighborhood gas station and troll for chocolate milk but I digress.  Early Saturday morning I headed down to our cave of a basement to make the laundry switch.  I started pulling the clothes out of our antique dryer when I noticed brown marks all over our clean clothes.  "Weird", I said to myself.  "Oh well" and I kept pulling things out, the next thing I found was a chocolate doughnut hole.  In my dryer.  "That's interesting, I wonder who had doughnuts and where's mine?".  I finished emptying the dryer and found brown pin-striping decorating the walls of my dryer.  "Wait a second... WHAT????!!!!!  That's no DOUGHNUT HOLE, that's, that's (she stutters) that's ______!!!!!"

Yep, there was a log o' crap in my dryer.  Somehow it made it through the entire wash cycle and a good 90 minutes in the dryer.  Even better, I held it in my hand.

Soccer Etiquette...

There's this mom that is making me insane.  No, this isn't one of my usual "I have this friend..." stories that are really about umm, my super hero alter ego, this one is actually about someone else.

One of my fellow soccer moms has forgotten that her precious isn't a star athlete.  Maybe she's trying to inspire him but I'm pretty sure no one ever got far with someone screaming "GET IN FRONT OF THE BALL!!" or maybe a running commentary about how he's doing it wrong is more helpful than I thought.  Hmm...

Oh and she just moved here from the Midwest where apparently five year old future pro athletes are put on teams with individual positions rather than pack soccer the way we do it here in the backwoods of Utah.  Pack soccer in case you were wondering is where all the kids gather around the ball and do their best to kick each others totally awesome shin guards all on the pretext of team sports.  See her son used to be a defender or something like that, I don't really know any technical terms, in fact I'm pretty sure my kid is putting his totally awesome "look Momma, you can kick me and it doesn't even hurt!" shinguards on incorrectly.  But what do I know man.

The question of the day is how do I tell this mom to shut her face (in a kind and loving way of course) cuz she's totally ruining my lower leg tanning time?!

Top 8: say what?!

1. me me (said like a Muppet)- excuse me
2. monkey feet- bare feet
3. I can't know- I don't know
4. cheese oh feet- Geez oh Pete!
5. clo- clothes in the singular form
6. swamwiches- sandwiches
7. ge kos- mosquitoes
8. I need a keg of ice cream!- no translation needed

 All of the above are said by at least one member of the Miles' family usually once a day. 

Can you guess who?

I'm so proud of my family.

Weidros.

No Lie

Yep.  He's doing exactly what it looks like he's doing.

Nope.  I didn't stop and direct him to the nearest tree or even, gasp, a bathroom.

Dude, I was too busy taking a picture.

Why thank you, I will accept another merit badge for my Perfect Parent Sash.

Closed doors are just a suggestion, right?

I was in my room getting dressed and my youngest came barreling through the door.  He doesn't let things like shut doors or "get out! I'm getting dressed!" stop him.

He saw me and ran back out.

Ya, I'd run too, punk.

Not 30 seconds later he came back with the Barbie stethoscope yelling "Doctor, Momma! Doctor!"

If he becomes a plastic surgeon specializing in stomach reconstruction after multiple births we'll all know where he got his inspiration.

You're welcome world.

Social faux pas...

I know it's been a while.  You might think that I have something earth shattering to share.

You would be right.

I have this problem (you might notice I have many problems but for today let's just focus on one).

My shoes make obscene noises.

No really, they do.  I know what you're thinking, "c'mon Kristen, you can tell the truth here, we're all friends".

But really, it's not me, it's these shoes.

Cute right?  Even better they were on clearance but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe they weren't such a good deal.  Every time I wear them I feel like I have to say "excuse me" or just start talking really loudly to cover the sound of my shoes.

Walking in shame,

Kristen

PS- worth the wait, eh?

Run baby, RUN!

My better half posted this on my BookFace wall with the comment "I think this is how we are on the running spectrum".

Agreed.

c/o Walt Disney Studios

Dear Mickey,

Hi, how are you?  How's Minnie?  Are the two of you married, I don't think that issue has ever been fully resolved.  You and I, we need to talk about something important. 

See, around the Miles' house we've been having a Friday movie night.  The head of our house is in grad school and he has class on Friday nights so it seemed like a good way for me to make it through ONE MORE night alone.

And it is.  In theory.  But here's the problem, reality is that when you have 4 children watching television at the same time you have to find something that they can all agree on.  And the reality is that Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is the one they agree on.  Aren't you proud?

But I have to say it's just not working for me.  In fact lately when you call for your friend Toodles I want to bludgeon myself in the head with one of your handy dandy Mouseketools.  I can't handle your questions.  I don't like your meaningless plots.  Mickey, I just can't deal.

So it's over.  Tonight we're going swimming.  Next week we might do something crazy and revolutionary like play board games or hang out in the backyard.

I still like the idea of Disneyland.  Your ears are pretty cool looking although I don't understand why you can't be bothered to put a shirt on.  I'm sure you're a nice mouse and Walt is probably proud of you, so good for you.  I hope you can understand why we're leaving you.  Don't worry, we're planning a super long road trip this summer so I'm sure we'll see you again.

Regretfully,

Kristen

PS-  I think you should have stuck with Steamboat Willie, that guy had potential.

It happened one night... to someone else.

A funny thing happened once to a friend of mine.  See this friend was hugely pregnant with one of her children who wasn't her first.  This friend also liked to stay hydrated.  Oh and this friend didn't like to admit when she was wrong. 

So one night this friend was out with her husband, they had been doing their date night thing while she had been hydrating and he had been offering to stop and let her find a bathroom.  She insisted she would be fine until they got home but first she needed to stop at the post office and mail one little package.  It was late at night, no one was there, so she was just going to run in and use the self- service thing, throw it in the drop box and they would be on their way.  Her husband didn't even have to come in, he could just wait in the car. 

This friend of mine went in and started to go through the nine zillion self- service steps and suddenly this baby that wasn't her first turned, right onto her weaker than before bladder.  By the way this baby was active and liked to practice underwater ballet or something in the womb.  Because this friend was so hydrated her bladder made an excellent launch pad.  She did an adult version of the potty dance that would impress any three year old and did everything that she could to control the body's natural reaction but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So in the middle of the post office she created a puddle.  This friend was in shock, she was a grown woman and so far had never had one of her older children urinate in a public place, this was not supposed to happen.

Now being the mature and self-confident person that she is, she said a four letter word and ran out to the car.  She left her purse, her package and her dignity behind.  After her husband finally understood through her hysteria what had happened, he went inside finished mailing the package, grabbed her purse, looked at the puddle and came back to the car.  He said "the janitor will probably just think someone spilled some water, let's get out of here!"

She's never been back to that post office since that awful night.

It's one of those things...

I don't usually do this kind of thing but because it's a Monday night and instead of finishing my homework like I should... here we go.  Here's how it works.  Someone tagged me, I get to tag other people, we all get to learn frivolous and interesting information about each other.  Seems like the original intent of the internet to me!

So here are the rules (cuz we gotta have rules):

1.  Post these rules
2.  Post a photo of you and 11 things about your life
3.  Answer the questions set for you in the original post
4.  Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them
5.  Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them

my 2 1/2 year old took this picture as I was reaching for the camera.  the kid's got skills.

11 things about me, very interesting things.


1.  I'm writing a book.  It's going slowly but it's going.

2.  I can't stand it when people are rude to other people.  I wish people would cut each other some slack.  Stepping off soap box now. 
 
3.  I get up at 4:40 every, okay, most mornings.  

4.  I'm super tired most afternoons (see #3).

5.  Last summer I went back to college to finish the degree that I half- heartedly started 10 years ago.  I figure I'll graduate around 2092.

6.  I want to live somewhere on the eastern side of the country.  It sounds like an adventure.

7.  I've never been to the ocean.  Sad, yes, I know.

8.  I'm terrified of snakes.  Like deathly.  I keep trying to get over it but I can't seem to get past my fear.  I probably need therapy (for that and soooo many other things).

9.  Between the birth of my oldest and my twins I had a miscarriage.  It was one of the most heartbreaking and painful things I've been through.

10.  Every time I read These is my Words by Nancy E. Turner or watch P.S. I love you I bawl my guts out.  EVERY TIME.  It's a sickness.

11.  I want to be the kind of person that is unaffected by the opinion of others but I'm just not there yet.  I try and I've become better but I don't think I'll be totally calm and unruffled until ohh, I don't know, not this lifetime that's for sure.


Meredith's questions for (moi) the tagged:

1. What's the best  thing you ever ate?  Chili rellenos at a hole in the wall restaurant in high school.   So good, so unsanitary.

 2. Do you prefer the radio, Ipod, or a CD while driving?  The radio baby!  But commercials, they kinda wanna make me scream!

3. What's your most prized possession?  If only I were wise and mature I would say something like a treasured vintage piece of lace that came across the ocean but I'm not, it's my running shoes.  Brooks I love you!

4. What's your fave ride at Disneyland?  Well the only time I went was on my honeymoon so...

5. What's your favorite clothing trend from your lifetime?  Boot cut jeans.  They're my fave, I wish I were cooler but well, you didn't come here looking for fashion did you?!

6. What's the best road trip you ever took?  So far it was our trip from Utah to New Mexico, Texas and back through Arizona.  I'm doing it again this summer except it's just going to be me and the short people.  Let's see if I survive.

7. What's the first song you remember knowing all the words to?  Trisha Yearwood, She's in Love with the Boy

8. What was your favorite year of HS?  My junior year but my sophomore year was pretty good but overall let's just say that I didn't have to worry about peaking in high school.

9. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were a little kid?  I wanted to be a shampoo creator.  I used to dream up concoctions.  That or an ant- bait inventor.  Cool is what I was.

10. What's your go-to meal to make?  Grilled chicken with some sort of pasta and lots of green veggies.

11. What's the first chapter book you ever remember finishing?  The Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Loved her, still do actually.

So Grace, Amanda Anjie, Cinda, JD, Modern Mia, Amanda S., Heather, Steph, and Kaydence, take a gander at these questions and if your name's not listed, well do it anyways, you know if you want, if you're into that kinda stuff, if you have time to kill, even if you don't, whatever works.  Oh and do you like how many commas I just used?  That's good grammar right there. 

1.  What was your first memory?
2.  What makes you laugh?
3.  What is the most challenging thing you've done in the last week?
4.  Why do you blog?
5.  Who inspires you?
6.  What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?
7.  Jeans or a skirt?
8.  You're traveling to Europe, where do you go?
9.  If you could spend $500 on any one thing what would it be?
10.  What's your favorite quote/ scripture/ saying?
11.  What's your favorite flavor of ice cream/ fro-yo/ gelato/ frozen concoction?

Mondays of the swearing variety.

I may or may not of/ have (someone please explain that rule to me) muttered words of the four- letter persuasion when the following things did or did not happen.  Possibly, maybe, almost certainly.

One of my children came home from school with head lice.

I stepped on the scale last Monday morning and found that all of my sweat, spinach and sit-ups produced a loss of one HALF pound.

I stepped on the scale again this am and found that a diligent repeat of the three S's produced a loss of NOTHING!  That makes me want to swear again.

I walked away from my computer for approximately 3 seconds and found that one of my children had "edited" my paper.  The paper due that evening and that I had already poured the majority of my working brain cells.

Yesterday morning my daughter stepped on my bare toe with her church shoes.  That made me feel nice and spiritual.

Smelling dog poop in the middle of the grocery store and realizing that it came from my son's shoe.  The same son's shoe that was wrapped around my waist as I carried him into the store.  The same son's shoe that was so nicely tucked between my jacket and my jeans.

Hearing my son dumping domino's all over my laundry room floor.  All one hundred and ninety million of them.  In case you were wondering they make a very distinctive sound that says "you'll never find all of us, sucker!"

My youngest son got us suspended from the gym for 30 days.  That means 30 days without the gym and their 90 (per day) minutes of childcare.  I may go insane.

Happy blankety blank Monday!

Kristen

Don't let the pouty lip and chubby cheeks fool you.

Look at this innocent baby boy.

There's no way that could be responsible for this.  Right?

Wrong!  Oh so wrong.  In case it's hard to tell from my awesome iPhone pics, the door is off it's hinges, the doorknob is in pieces and my hands are covered in door grease.  Who knew there was such a thing? 

Here's how the conversation went with my 2 1/2 year old on the side with a lock and me on the other.

Me: "unlock the door please."

Boy:  "okay Momma."

Me:  "please turn the knob and unlock the door."

Boy:  "I love you Momma."

Me:  "I love you too, please unlock the door."

Boy:  "Mickey Mouse Choo- Choo Express!"

Me:  "Please turn the water off and unlock the door."

You can imagine the rest, it went on for a while.

Yes I tried picking the lock.  Didn't work.  I tried taking the doorknob apart.  Didn't work.  Finally I resorted to taking the hinges off and pulling the door off that way.  And when I rescued him from his prison did I get a thank you?  Nope.  I did get an inspection of my tools and a semi- nice request for Mickey Mouse.

All before lunchtime.

Yay me.

Paying homage to the garbage gods.

Cause:  not enough sleep, 4 kids, 6 credit hours, Cub Scouts, laundry...

Effect:

Note to self:  money goes in your wallet, not the garbage.

Good job me.

Have glue, will travel.

We have this counter to the right of our stove.  It's approximately 3.9 half inches wide.  Translation:  it's super useful for nothing, nothing at all. 

Until now.

Tada!  It's our glue spot.  Everyone should be so lucky.

Happy Wednesday!

Kristen

How to do your interval training in the middle of the night (the G- rated version).

*update: she's healthy now and even better, seems to be the only victim!

QUICKLY wake to the sound of your daughter coughing.
LEAP from your warm bed.
FLY down three sets of stairs.
LUNGE toward daughter's bed.
GRAB the puke bucket.
METHODICALLY hold back child's hair.
CAREFULLY walk to the nearest bathroom.
REPEAT as necessary.

Happy Wednesday to me!

Kristen

Top 8: things that make me insane, crazy, nuts, pick a word!

She doesn't make me crazy (most of the time) I just like her cute baby face circa 2007!

1.  Hopping on the treadmill only to find that it needs maintenance, then moving to the next one and seeing that it says the same thing.  Three treadmills later...
2.  Finding out that the reason you missed a question on your math test was because you used an "x" instead of a "w". 
3.  Running out of socks.  That laundry fairy is really slacking these days.
4.  Calling IT support to fix a computer program and finding out that the reason it wasn't working was because one of your short offspring had moved it to the recycling bin.  Actually that doesn't make me crazy, embarrassed is more like it.
5.  Turning on the radio and hearing the tail end of your current favorite song.  Sad.
6.  The multiplying paper pile by the microwave.  They're like bunnies.  Bunnies on fertility treatments.
7.  Getting comfortable on the couch with a good book and warm children and hearing the phone ring.  From the other room.  Up the stairs.  And it stops before you manage to extract yourself from the pile.  And it's a lame recorded message.
8.  Trying to brush my daughter's hair while she's dancing and telling me what a great ballerina she will be.  Did I mention that she's moving?

Good times around here.

In other news I have a final on Thursday then I plan to spend some time fixing this site.  I look at other excellent bloggers likeThrifty Decor Chick, Camp Patton and yours, mine & ours and am semi- inspired to change things up around here. 

Suggestions? 

See ya later!

Kristen

Should I be concerned? A one act play by Kristen Miles

Characters:
Handsome and adventurous 5 year old boy with an appetite for construction.
Inquisitive and beautiful 5 year old girl who loves to take care of people.
Overambitious and occasionally distracted mother who should pay more attention to her children.

Setting:
Early afternoon on a surprisingly warm, okay, not freezing December day somewhere in Utah. 

Boy: Momma, I need a board.

Momma:  In the garage.

Girl:  Momma, where are my Halloween tights?

Momma:  In your drawer.

Boy:  Momma, I need a brick.

Momma:  By the shed.

Boy:  Momma, I need a hammer.

Momma:  On the workbench.

Girl:  Momma, I don't think I need a coat today.

Momma:  Your choice babes.

Girl:  Actually I think I'm cold now.  I'm going to wear a coat.

Momma:  Good call.

Girl:  Momma, we need 7 nails.

Momma:  In the can on the workbench.

Boy:  I need another board.  Oh and a brick too.

Momma:  You know where they are.

Girl:  Momma, I think we need a band aid.  Maybe two would be better.

The End