Postpartum Depression

When I was pregnant with baby number 4, I remember eating and just not caring about what would happen if I ate more than was healthy for me or the baby.  I was certain that the weight would just fall off after he was born and that life would just be fine.  I wasn’t worried about juggling 4 kids under the age of 5.  And I certainly wasn’t concerned about how I was going to feel as a mother.  After all, I had been through twins so one baby wasn’t going to be a problem.  

Turns out I was wrong and I wasn’t just a little wrong.  It was more like two years of living in a fog and feeling that I probably should care but I just couldn’t.  I knew that if I took better care of myself that I would feel better but it was too hard to do anything but sit on the couch.  I wanted to be a better wife but if felt like so much work.  I wanted to hate the fact that my house was a mess but having a clean house meant actually caring and I just couldn’t do that.

Before the baby was born I joined a gym.  It had 90 minutes of free daycare, each day and they seemed to be pretty good to the kids.  So 6 weeks after Nathan was born I loaded the kids up and we headed to the gym.  I signed them in and escaped from 9 to 10:30 every weekday morning.  For the next 2 years we went to the gym every day, Monday through Friday.  People would find out and they would say things like “wow, you are so dedicated, you must love to exercise”.  What I never told them was that while the exercise was fine, what I really cared about was that I didn’t have to be a mom for an hour and a half.  Doctors will tell you that exercise is one of the things that will help you to manage your symptoms of depression.  I’m convinced that if I hadn’t gone to the gym like I did, I’m pretty sure that we would have lost me or my children.  That little bit of exercise made it so that while I didn’t care about taking care of myself or my family or my home, at least I never did them or myself any harm.  

I kept going to the doctor and telling him that I just didn’t feel good.  I was tired and I wasn’t losing any baby weight.  I just didn’t feel like myself.  He diagnosed me with postpartum depression and prescribed medication to treat the problem.  I’m definitely not against pharmaceuticals but I kept saying “no, no, I’m fine” and “it’s just the weight, that’s the real problem”.  I never took the help that was offered.  Instead I went to a state of barely functioning.  My relationship with the man that I loved so much suffered.  I think we just went to our separate corners and simply existed.  He was working all the time and he wasn’t around.  I had 4 little kids, all 5 and under.  I couldn’t talk about what was happening because I didn’t really understand the problem.

Finally I was able to pull out of that awful place.  I don’t know what really made the change happen.  I think that it was a combination of lots of things.  Number one was probably time.  I also went from a state of knowing that I should do better but not caring to actually caring and being proactive about the problem.  I remembered why I loved my husband so much and I worked to be a better wife.  I tried to take better care of my body by being careful about the things that I put into it.  I made a consistent effort to nurture my spiritual health by reading my scriptures and praying and attending the temple.  

When I was pregnant with Maggie (number 5), I was terrified that I was going to go back to that place.  I didn’t want to put my family through that hell.  So I tried to stay active during my pregnancy.  I was careful about what I ate and what I read and what spent my free time doing.  I think that I was also aware of the possibility of the problem so I made sure to ask for and accept help.  After she was born I went through the normal new baby crazy.  You know where you never sleep and you hate your husband (sorry babes) and you’re not sure why you decided to become a mother?  But even with all that crazy I didn’t slide into that pit again.  

Here we are, ten months after she was born and I feel so good.  I think this is the best time of my life. I keep thinking that this is the absolute best that life has to offer and the next day I’m surprised all over again by something even more wonderful than the day before.  Sappy, but true.

PS-  My husband is such a great guy.  He’s never called it quits even during those crazy times.  He’s one of the good ones and I love him so much.  Also sappy, I’ll quit now.

That one night I tried to nurse a fiber filled product

One night I heard the baby crying.  So I got up.  Picked her up and latched her on.  Peace reigned again.

Then I heard Maggie crying.  From the other room.  

So what was it that I was cradling in my arms, trying to nurse?

A pillow.  A fluffy, non- human pillow.

Will someone please come sleep train my 5 month old baby?  I am so tired.

Stickers and Sisters

I keep trying to think of something witty to say but this picture is just turning my brains to mush.

Maggie just hit the big 3 month mark.  She weighs a giant 11 pounds.  Okay not giant at all, her doctor calls her "petite" but she is getting close to doubling her birth weight and I swear I saw the beginnings of a dimple.  Jennie (and Grant) turned 7 a few weeks ago.  It blows my mind.  Of course I forgot to take pictures of the birthday cakes, presents and even the actual birthday subjects.  And I call myself a mom...

In case you were wondering, those are stickers covering my baby.  But before you judge let me tell you that they were letter stickers and Nathan was practicing his spelling.  Helpless baby sisters make excellent subjects.

Have a happy Tuesday, Mags insists that you do.

love the miles

Survival Strategies

Are you getting tired of hearing about how I just had a baby and it's making me sorta crazy?  No?  Lucky you because here's some of my make it through the day ideas.  And while this is written as a postpartum woman I think it applies to everyone.  Well, probably not the nursing part...

Exercise  I love it.  I really do.  It keeps me sane.  It makes me feel good.  It reminds my body that it's good for more than just dairy production.  My doctor has only given me the okay to walk so that's what I do early most mornings.  My treadmill, my iPod and I spend a quality 30 minutes together.  I make sure to turn up the music really loud so that if all hell breaks loose I can't actually hear it.  I mean what's the worst that could happen in 30 minutes before dawn when the kids are asleep?  Don't answer that question.  As frustrated as I am with this after baby body, I'm not exercising to change my shape.  I'm really just treadmilling it to keep my mental health sorta under control.

Breast feed  Now I know this is controversial so just take a chill pill (I get a thrill of out saying that) everyone.  FOR ME nursing is just easier.  I couldn't handle the bottles and the formula and the refrigeration and umm, whatever else you have to do.  It's much easier FOR ME to just whip out one of the girls and take care of business.

Menu Planning I'm no Food Nanny but I do believe family dinner is pretty important and I've actually tried changing the clocks so that the kids don't know it's dinner time but they always figure me out.  So if I know what I'm making for dinner in advance I can get everything ready in the morning (if I'm on my game) or my better half can read the menu and take care of things.  Makes life easier.  Try it.

Simplify I took the fall semester off.  I knew that trying to balance school, even part time would just be more than I could handle.  It's been a relief to not have to worry about class and homework and good grades.  I've also let the other non essentials slide like weekly trips to the library, not even.  Homemade muffins/ waffles/ whatever for breakfast, hardly.  You get the idea.  Cut it out if it's not essential to your sanity.  Which brings us to

Staying Busy When I'm feeling in a funk of some making or another my cure is to do something productive.  That means not wasting the day away reading a book or watching tv.  I need to be moving and active and I need to have something to look back on that reminds me that I am a little bit productive.  Even if that's only moving the laundry basket from the basement to the bedroom.

Eat Healthy Okay maybe that should read healthyish because I am pretty fond of the cookies.  But I try to not live on the butter sugar food group.  I feel better if my body gets what it needs in the form of healthy food and right now in my present lumpy state I could use all the feel good I can get.

Be Kind To yourself.  To your family.  To that nosy lady at the store (yes, they are all mine, yes it's busy, thanks...).  When I'm nice to other people I feel better about myself.  So really I'm not trying to be kind to help them feel good, it's all about me.

The final one should be Sleep when you can so see ya!

I'm not alone, right?

*see below for three burning ???'s

I've had a baby recently, have you heard?  As I've been recovering from another cesarean and dealing with more sleepless nights I'm reminded again of just how hard it is to have a baby.  Yes I know just how blessed I am.  Raise your hand if you don't know someone fighting heartbreak in the form of infertility?  I'm waiting...  yep, didn't think so.  There's always someone that has it worse than me/ you/ the general population.  So my first thought is to stuff down the feelings of frustration and exhaustion and anger in the name of "it could be worse".  Well it could be but does that make my feelings less valid?

I'm grateful, I really am.  But you know what?  I'm also tired.  I'm the sole source of comfort for a beautiful and needy baby.  If this family wants dinner I'm the one they're looking at.  If they want a ride to soccer/ ballet/ the grocery store, it's me.  If the house is going to get clean, tag, I'm it.

Let me just insert in here that the husband does more than he really has time for but he's also slaying a big giant dragon in the form of looming unemployment.  The kids are also becoming more and more self- sufficient.  For example, Anna is perfectly capable of doing laundry.  All of the kids can load their dishes in the dishwasher.  Grant is great at getting breakfast ready and Jennie has taken Nathan under her wing.  She's sort of become his shepherd or sheep dog, one of the two.  So the husband does his best.  The kids are helpful.

But they still make me crazy.  The husband can look at me wrong and I lose it.  The kids will make too much noise and I'll blow a gasket.  Maggie wakes up for the millionth time in a row and I hit the wall (literally, it hurts my hand).  Does it sound like I'm angry and bitter and down on the world?  I'm not, like I said I'm grateful.  I am very blessed but I think we do ourselves a disservice when we refuse to acknowledge the challenges we face.  Especially this roller coaster called postpartum.  It's ugly man.

I've been here before so I know that this is just a season, we'll make it through.  Until then know that I'm just trying to do my best and sometimes that means that all I've got is a short fuse and dirty laundry.

*How exactly do you hold a baby so that they don't look like a lump?  Why did I think those boots were a good idea?  And can someone please come weed my garden? It looks gross.

Introducing...

She came early.  But this post is late.  Only not really because technically she wasn't due until tomorrow.  So let's call it a wash.

I'll let her take it from here.

Hi guys.  I'm really pretty aren't I?  I know, I know looks aren't everything but they don't hurt.  But let's cover the important stuff.  My name is Marjorie Grace but I answer to Maggie, Mags, Magzie, Magzilla and Maggie Mae. Give my siblings some time and I'm sure they'll come up with a few more names.

I was born on July 23.  I weighed 6 lbs 5 oz and I was 19 inches long.  I wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow (August 8) but my mom started having this thing with her kidneys and the doctors said it was my fault.  So they pulled me out of my nice warm home, her kidneys recovered and I was healthy so I guess it worked out okay.  Don't worry, I've since apologized to Momma and she's forgiven me so we're good.

My siblings love me.

So there you go.  I'm healthy.  My mom is healthy.  My family loves me.  I'm also hungry so I'll stop dictating this to my secretary so that she can feed me.

Love you guys!

We prefer Miracle Gro...

If you link to someone's blog, say two days in a row are you considered a stalker, a weirdo or just a devoted follower?

While you ponder that, let's channel our inner eye so that we can see the beauty in the following.

Bump progress report with obligatory hand on bell.

22 weeks (plus a few days)!

My favorite flower, hands down.  No stinky roses for me (although they do look pretty so if someone wanted to bring me a bunch...)

Happy Thursday!

Now go back to Cari's and check out the other talented folks on the w squared plus one.

Kristen

Top 8: What I Love

These gorgeous planks of imitation wood.  I love the look of dark wood, it just looks incredible but...  Last year I stained our deck stairs a dark brown, almost black aaaannnnddd they've looked bad ever since.  Four kids, a dog, a busy housekeeper, it just wasn't a good idea.  So we went light and I LOVE them.  LOVE!

Baby checkup yesterday.  She's healthy and growing.  Along with my arse... but you know, what do you do?  Oh quit eating Peanut M&Ms... right.

The man I married, he's a winner.  Yesterday I had a serious freak out   Like ugly demons took over.  He just rolled with it and when I finally got over myself he didn't even play the injured party card (even though he totally deserved some serious payback).  He's a keeper.

Somehow I hit the offspring jackpot.  My kids are funny (ish), reasonably well behaved and usually thoughtful and kind.  I kinda think they're the greatest people ever to grace this planet.

I read this (scroll down to number 5, I'll wait) on Cari's blog.  I've been laughing ever since.

I really do try to take care of this miraculous baby machine of mine so most mornings I hang out with my friend Sadie Lincoln over at Barre 3.  It's a good time, try it.

I'm a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints if you're being particular and today I'm a stickler because my love for the Savior, well it makes everything that I do not only possible but also meaningful.  I'm blessed to belong to a church that teaches that this life isn't the end of everything, my family that I love so much is mine forever!  That's a pretty great thing to help you make it through the day.

Last of all this boy kills me.  He's still trying to overcome his disappointment that Baby Girl isn't Baby Boy.  I was toweling him off after a shower and this is the conversation we had.

Him:  Why can't our baby be a boy?

Me:  Because Heavenly Father decided we needed a girl.

Him:  (thinking) Well He should have sent a boy too.

Me:  You mean twins?

Him:  Yes, a girl AND a boy.

Me:  Well... He didn't because He loves your momma.

Him:  Oh.  Maybe next time.

The End.

Kristen

If you're strong enough, there are no precedents.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Majority Rules

I was right.  About what you ask?  Well so many things but I called it this time.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!

She's gorgeous.  Okay, yes she is black and white and kinda fuzzy but she's perfect.  Her hand is up by her face but lucky for me she wasn't sucking her thumb (I don't ever want to have to experience weaning a child from the thumb, ever).  She's healthy and growing like she should.  She also appears to be quite lazy.  I think she moved twice during the whole ultrasound.  My oldest kept asking "why isn't she moving?  can you make her move?".  

The best part of the morning, besides seeing our girl was when the tech said "look it's a girl" and our oldest boy started to cry with disappointment.  I know you shouldn't mock your children when they express emotion and I promise we comforted him and said kind things to make him feel better but you'd better believe we laughed about it later.  Big time!

Here's one more picture of our baby.

That's her perfect little foot.  So sweet.

Everything looks the way it should.  My baby incubator is functioning perfectly.  My (her/ our/ ??) umbilical cord is super healthy.  In fact instead of the 2 blood vessels (or something) that they look for I have three.  I've always been an overachiever.  

The human body is incredible.  I can't believe that everything that is necessary to grow a perfect human is inside of me.  I continue to be amazed at the miracle that is life.  It's beautiful.

Five...

1.  We have a refrigerator in our living room.

Would you like some yogurt?  You could sit on the couch, grab your poison of choice and eat it.  All while expending zero to no energy.  Of course we don't have a couch right now but we do have a shop vac and assorted power tools.

2.  Mushrooming.  It's what happens when you start a project and figure it will take minimal energy.  Then you discover that ripping up tile is a job that should be reserved for chain gangs.  You also find that you need a new sub- floor.  Sure why not, let's throw some more cash at this project.

3.  There's light at the end of the tunnel.

See, we have a fancy new sub-floor and a quarter of the pretty stuff installed.  The rest of it is on a truck somewhere in the Midwest.  We should see it sometime next week.  Probably.  Until then I have a refrigerator in my living room and no stove.  Don't feel bad for me because I am getting fancy new floors.

4.  The belly is 20 weeks.  That mean it's the perfect size for a wounded child.

Poor baby.  He's obviously in distress and all his caregiver can do is make fish lips.

5.  Tomorrow is the day. Boy or girl.  The ultrasound tech better be on his/ her game because the Miles are a divided family.  I've always known before what each kid would be.  One of my weird gifts.  I'm batting 4 for 4.  This time around I don't have any definite feelings.  I'm leaning towards a girl but it's not a certain feeling like all the others.  So... we'll see.  Cast your vote.

5.2  This is what I find on my papers, other people's papers, the car, my wall (one time, I freaked)...

Somebody call MENSA, my youngest boy is a genius.

Over and out.

PS- Don't judge me because I'm doing middle school math.  I'm a late bloomer

PPS- Thanks for tagging me Lisa, I sorta followed the rules...

18 weeks and a (sort of) hair tutorial

Finally, proof that I am expecting more than just an overdose of Birthday Cake Oreos (have you tried them, so good, don't judge).

Oh but look, someone doesn't know how to take pictures of herself.

Let's try again.

Nope, turning to the other side, leaning back and adding a cheesy smile didn't help.

There we are, baby and I are 18 weeks.  We're feeling good.  Two more weeks until we find out whether our two boys will be disappointed or if the girls will suffer heartbreak.  The girls are certain it's a girl, the boys are counting on a boy...

I also had a freaky good hair day.  I followed this tutorial, mostly.  I don't have any clips so I used bobby pins and my hair isn't quite as long and gorgeous as hers.  But I did take more awkward pictures!

Do you want another one?  Okay.

You're welcome.

My bathroom never gets dirty.

I'm not lying.  It's always clean.  We use it too!  Like a lot 'cause you know, all my kids are potty trained!!!  Sorry, had to throw that in there because we'll be back to diapers soon.  Anyhow, the bathroom.  Let me tell you the secret to serenity and peace in life.

Invest in a case of Clorox wipes.

Here's what we (meaning I) do to keep things clean because as every expectant mother knows you spend a lot of time worshiping at the House of Kohler and if you can't spend your time at a clean throne, why bother?

Every morning after the kids have decorated the sink with that nasty blue Kid's Crest I swoop in with my trusty wipes and get down to business.  Actually, you don't need the wipes yet but you will, I promise.  Grab your hand towel and get a corner wet.  With that wet corner wipe off the mirrors then dry them with a dry corner.  Rocket science I know.  Do the same with your counter and sink (saving the sink for last because hello, toothpaste).  Now you can grab those wipes, starting with the least grody parts of your toilet get to wiping.  Make your way down to the "golden" area ( I have little boys), depending on how good your family's aim is you might need a couple of wipes.  After you've taken care of the outside of the toilet and the floor right around it you'll need your toilet brush to swish out the inside.  I don't use cleanser inside because I do this everyday, just swishing it out takes care of the germy stuff.  Moving on to the bathtub I grab my hand towel, the one that has all the toothpaste folded inside and I wipe out the bathtub.  Finally I use that same towel that's now folded into a washcloth size and dehair the floor.  Throw your now nasty towel in the laundry, hang up a clean one and give yourself major kudos for the day.

I keep a container of wipes and a toilet brush in each bathroom because the thought of carrying a toilet brush through the house makes me tired.

So there you go.  I'm sure the FLYLady would be proud.

Kristen

PS- it will take longer for you to read this than to actually clean your bathroom, I swear.

The List (trust me, it's worth your time)

I've been working on a project for a few months and it's sort of taken up all my time.  ALL my time.  But finally I'm ready to share with the world.

I made a list because I'm a list maker.

If you read The List you'll know exactly what I would like for my birthday and why I've (dare I say) earned it.

WAIT!!! Don't write me off as a person with ego to spare, you have to read The List first, after all I've spent some time working on it.

1.  I'll be 31 this year.  That's totally a milestone.  Really it is.  The traditional gift for the 31 year old woman is something sparkly, I prefer clear sparkle with a hint of fire but really I'll take any color.  I will also accept cash.

2.  My daughter turns 9 this year, 2 days before my above mentioned birthday.  The traditional gift for the woman who gave birth to her first child 2 days before she turned 22 is, umm, I don't know.  Let's just say that I could use a new pair of boots... or cash of course.

3.  Finally the last reason why I need a really great present is that 3 days before I turn 31, August 8 if you were wondering, Miles' child number 5 will be arriving.  Yep, you read that right.  I said FIVE.  I'm tired just thinking about it, also a little nauseous but mostly tired.  The traditional gift for the mother of child number 5 is all of the above plus some well, cash.

Five, people, five.

Kristen

PS- I'm only half as self- centered as this post makes me seem, just half...