I Get It

My kids owe me.  Big time.  There are the little things like dinner and folded clothes and rides to and from everywhere.  Then the bigger things like midnight drinks of water, a safe home, hugs and kisses and kind words.  Add braces and ballet slippers and combing tangly hair and playing Monopoly on a Friday night and you can see how deeply they're in debt.

But they just can't pay it back.  It's not possible.  They don't have the capacity or even the comprehension of what it takes to raise a family.  They just don't get it.

And that's okay.  See I don't need the money back that I've spent feeding and clothing and protecting these babies.  I don't want it.  Here is what I do want.  I want them to have happy and obedient hearts.  I want them to see a sibling in need and offer to help.  I want them to love their brothers and sisters and their parents.

I'm in debt also, to a God above that has provided everything for me and continues to bless me. He sent His Son here to this earth for me and you and everyone else who will ever call this place home.  I'm oblivious and unaware of what it takes to sustain my life here on this earth.  I have no comprehension of the magnitude of His blessings.  I just can't grasp it, it's beyond my understanding.

And that's okay.  See, all He asks of me is to have a happy and obedient heart.  He wants me to notice when someone near me is in need and He wants me to help.  He expects me to be kind to my brothers and sisters even if (and maybe especially if) they are different from me.  It doesn't matter what we look like or how we see the world, we're all children of the same loving Father in Heaven.

I can never pay Him back but I can try to do my part, my small part.

The State of Things

I'm tired.  Not unheard of, I know.  But when you're the exhausted one it feels like you're the lone sufferer.  My days start early.  That's my own fault.  I like to get up and run and then get myself ready before the kids wake up.  That makes my days really long.  I like having a clean house so I work to make it that way.  Instead of hanging out on the couch I'm cleaning the toys out from underneath.  I don't like sitting and doing nothing, I'd rather be working on a project.  Even if that project is just throwing soccer balls onto the roof so that they bounce off for my kids to chase after.

I kept meaning to take a break today and do something unproductive before my classes start back up later this week but this morning the kids were playing so nicely together that I kept doing just one more project.  Then later this afternoon they were recreating all of the wars in the history of the world so I was kept busy refereeing.  I wanted to go to bed early but instead I consoled a heartbroken baby and then went to a committee meeting.

I hate being tired because not only does it mess with my energy level but it also colors my normal happy outlook on life.  I'm less able to deal with the constant demands of the family.  Serving the people that I love begins to feel like a prison sentence instead of the vocation that I willingly and gratefully chose.  I know that a good night's sleep will change my perspective.  I know that it's not a permanent state of being but right now it feels like the only way to fit everything in is to sacrifice my sleep time.  I know, it's stupid.  If one of my friends said the same thing to me I would do my best to convince them of the idiocy of their ways (in a kind and loving way, of course) but I guess maybe I just think that somehow I'm different.  Crazy.

So the moral of this whine is that none of us are special.  We all need to get adequate amounts of rest and we need to take care of ourselves.  I haven't figured out how to do that but don't the experts say that admitting that you have a problem is the first step?

Postpartum Depression

When I was pregnant with baby number 4, I remember eating and just not caring about what would happen if I ate more than was healthy for me or the baby.  I was certain that the weight would just fall off after he was born and that life would just be fine.  I wasn’t worried about juggling 4 kids under the age of 5.  And I certainly wasn’t concerned about how I was going to feel as a mother.  After all, I had been through twins so one baby wasn’t going to be a problem.  

Turns out I was wrong and I wasn’t just a little wrong.  It was more like two years of living in a fog and feeling that I probably should care but I just couldn’t.  I knew that if I took better care of myself that I would feel better but it was too hard to do anything but sit on the couch.  I wanted to be a better wife but if felt like so much work.  I wanted to hate the fact that my house was a mess but having a clean house meant actually caring and I just couldn’t do that.

Before the baby was born I joined a gym.  It had 90 minutes of free daycare, each day and they seemed to be pretty good to the kids.  So 6 weeks after Nathan was born I loaded the kids up and we headed to the gym.  I signed them in and escaped from 9 to 10:30 every weekday morning.  For the next 2 years we went to the gym every day, Monday through Friday.  People would find out and they would say things like “wow, you are so dedicated, you must love to exercise”.  What I never told them was that while the exercise was fine, what I really cared about was that I didn’t have to be a mom for an hour and a half.  Doctors will tell you that exercise is one of the things that will help you to manage your symptoms of depression.  I’m convinced that if I hadn’t gone to the gym like I did, I’m pretty sure that we would have lost me or my children.  That little bit of exercise made it so that while I didn’t care about taking care of myself or my family or my home, at least I never did them or myself any harm.  

I kept going to the doctor and telling him that I just didn’t feel good.  I was tired and I wasn’t losing any baby weight.  I just didn’t feel like myself.  He diagnosed me with postpartum depression and prescribed medication to treat the problem.  I’m definitely not against pharmaceuticals but I kept saying “no, no, I’m fine” and “it’s just the weight, that’s the real problem”.  I never took the help that was offered.  Instead I went to a state of barely functioning.  My relationship with the man that I loved so much suffered.  I think we just went to our separate corners and simply existed.  He was working all the time and he wasn’t around.  I had 4 little kids, all 5 and under.  I couldn’t talk about what was happening because I didn’t really understand the problem.

Finally I was able to pull out of that awful place.  I don’t know what really made the change happen.  I think that it was a combination of lots of things.  Number one was probably time.  I also went from a state of knowing that I should do better but not caring to actually caring and being proactive about the problem.  I remembered why I loved my husband so much and I worked to be a better wife.  I tried to take better care of my body by being careful about the things that I put into it.  I made a consistent effort to nurture my spiritual health by reading my scriptures and praying and attending the temple.  

When I was pregnant with Maggie (number 5), I was terrified that I was going to go back to that place.  I didn’t want to put my family through that hell.  So I tried to stay active during my pregnancy.  I was careful about what I ate and what I read and what spent my free time doing.  I think that I was also aware of the possibility of the problem so I made sure to ask for and accept help.  After she was born I went through the normal new baby crazy.  You know where you never sleep and you hate your husband (sorry babes) and you’re not sure why you decided to become a mother?  But even with all that crazy I didn’t slide into that pit again.  

Here we are, ten months after she was born and I feel so good.  I think this is the best time of my life. I keep thinking that this is the absolute best that life has to offer and the next day I’m surprised all over again by something even more wonderful than the day before.  Sappy, but true.

PS-  My husband is such a great guy.  He’s never called it quits even during those crazy times.  He’s one of the good ones and I love him so much.  Also sappy, I’ll quit now.

2:36 AM

I sat straight up in bed, my heart was racing and I just knew something was wrong.  I hadn't heard from the baby in a while.  As I ran into Maggie's room I checked the time.  2:36.  Babies don't sleep that long.  I listened for sounds of her breathing and grunting and generally making noise.

The girl is a noisy sleeper, that's why she's had her own room since she came home from the hospital, but now her room was silent.  I put my hand on her to feel movement, nothing.  So I wiggled her around a bit and she started grunting.  Finally I could breathe again.  I went back to bed where I laid down and tried to relax.  About ten minutes later Maggie started crying, probably because I woke her up.  This time when I went back to her room I turned on the lamp and looked over at her crib.

She was on her belly with her face pressed into the mattress.  That's when I really started to lose it.  I'm not sure how a 6 week old baby who was swaddled tightly managed to roll from her back all the way to the front.  I don't know if when I put her to bed I put her on her side and she somehow rolled over.  I just don't know what happened.

I do know that Someone was watching over my baby.  It was Divine intervention, I'm sure of it.  Whoever or whatever it was that woke me from a sound sleep, thank you.  Thanks for watching over my girl.  We'd be lost without her.

*don't worry, I laid Maggie down while I changed my shirt (that she vomited on) and that's when I snapped the above pic, I didn't leave her laying like that, I promise

I'm not alone, right?

*see below for three burning ???'s

I've had a baby recently, have you heard?  As I've been recovering from another cesarean and dealing with more sleepless nights I'm reminded again of just how hard it is to have a baby.  Yes I know just how blessed I am.  Raise your hand if you don't know someone fighting heartbreak in the form of infertility?  I'm waiting...  yep, didn't think so.  There's always someone that has it worse than me/ you/ the general population.  So my first thought is to stuff down the feelings of frustration and exhaustion and anger in the name of "it could be worse".  Well it could be but does that make my feelings less valid?

I'm grateful, I really am.  But you know what?  I'm also tired.  I'm the sole source of comfort for a beautiful and needy baby.  If this family wants dinner I'm the one they're looking at.  If they want a ride to soccer/ ballet/ the grocery store, it's me.  If the house is going to get clean, tag, I'm it.

Let me just insert in here that the husband does more than he really has time for but he's also slaying a big giant dragon in the form of looming unemployment.  The kids are also becoming more and more self- sufficient.  For example, Anna is perfectly capable of doing laundry.  All of the kids can load their dishes in the dishwasher.  Grant is great at getting breakfast ready and Jennie has taken Nathan under her wing.  She's sort of become his shepherd or sheep dog, one of the two.  So the husband does his best.  The kids are helpful.

But they still make me crazy.  The husband can look at me wrong and I lose it.  The kids will make too much noise and I'll blow a gasket.  Maggie wakes up for the millionth time in a row and I hit the wall (literally, it hurts my hand).  Does it sound like I'm angry and bitter and down on the world?  I'm not, like I said I'm grateful.  I am very blessed but I think we do ourselves a disservice when we refuse to acknowledge the challenges we face.  Especially this roller coaster called postpartum.  It's ugly man.

I've been here before so I know that this is just a season, we'll make it through.  Until then know that I'm just trying to do my best and sometimes that means that all I've got is a short fuse and dirty laundry.

*How exactly do you hold a baby so that they don't look like a lump?  Why did I think those boots were a good idea?  And can someone please come weed my garden? It looks gross.

The Calm in the Storm

When tragedy strikes my mind starts to race and I think about the frightening world we live in.  Then I take a deep breath and peace returns.  I remember that there are many things out of my control and that bad, horrible, awful things happen to really good innocent people.  My finite mind offers no explanation for the hateful actions of our fellow citizens of the world.

But here's what I can do.  I can love my family.  When they leave the house I want them to know just how deeply they are connected to me.  I don't just say the words "I love you", I also fold their laundry and feed them.  I give them a soft place to land when the world gets too rough.  I remind them that we're in this family forever and that it doesn't end when mortality closes.  And when I lose my temper and scream in frustration I apologize and tell them how sorry I am.

Today, that's all I can do.

Marriage 101 (10 years in the making)

You know how you get in that rut?  That married person rut?  You know you like each other but you can't really remember why.  It's not that there's yelling or fighting, there's just a general feeling of don't care.  Am I the only one who's ever felt that way?  Please tell me no.

There are probably several reasons for this rut (school, work, pregnant wife, more school, 10 years, etc) but rather than accepting this rut as our new normal I decided to fix it.  Novel concept, I know.  Get ready for another one, I didn't blame it all on the husband.  You know, like I usually do.  This time I've accepted responsiblilty and have been on a mission to fix our relationship.  Totally grown up, isn't it?

I hope you know this about us but I'll tell you anyways, there's no abuse, there's no neglect, we care for each other.  I'm not trying to fix an abusive relationship.  We're both good people that have spent some time drifting along with no real direction for this thing we call marriage.  I know that popular wisdom would say that we've just "fallen out of love" or even worse "drifted apart" but I don't buy that, not for a second.  What the world calls love is wrapped up in lust, it doesn't take into account the hard work, the new babies, the years in school or the time in the trenches.  That's what love is, it's more than just him looking good in his Levi's (but let's be honest, that doesn't hurt).

Let me detail my self help plan.  I started with this book.

Short summary, Dr Laura teaches women how to care for their husbands.  A man that is loved and respected and admired will care and love and respect and admire his wife.  I think it should be required reading for all new brides.

From Dr Laura I moved on to this classic.

Super good picture, I apologize.  After reading Dr Laura I realized that I really had no idea what my husband needed the most from me and in turn I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  William Harley teaches the reader how to define their needs and best meet the needs of our better halves.  This is one that every married couple should read.

Finally to complement the above book I read this beauty.

I got it, I understood how different we were and I can see that all the things that I have been trying to do to "fix" this situation have been things that would make ME feel loved and cherished, the husband wouldn't always have that same reaction.  Not because he's a heartless jerk but because the way that he feels loved and cherished is different.  It was eye- opening.  Interestingly enough I've since noticed how each of my children reacts to different love languages, what makes my oldest daughter feel special doesn't work for my youngest son.

These three books have been eye- opening but if I had to choose just one it would be The 5 Love Languages.  It's very simple and it makes sense.  It is one that applies to every person in the world, married or single.

The husband and I are getting there.  Not because he's doing anything different, the guy is practically a saint, but because I've changed my attitude.  If you quit looking for the bad and start asking for divine help there is no reason you can't have a happy marriage.

Good luck!

Kristen

Shaping the Soul

There are moments in our lives that define us, that shape who we are and change our very reason for living.  Then sometimes there are moments that change a community, a nation and even a world.

I remember exactly where I was when my world and the rest of creation's changed.  I was in college in a small eastern Arizona town.  Since that day 11 years ago nothing has been the same.  Brothers and friends have gone to war and some didn't come back, we can't just hop on a plane like we used to and our world has become so small and sometimes frightening.  We're now fluent in Middle Eastern names and places in a way that we could never have imagined.  That heartbreaking Tuesday morning has redefined our existence.

Just like September 11, 2001 has footnoted our lives, I believe that 71 years ago there was the exact same shaping moment for a generation that came long before me and probably even you.  That December morning when planes flew into Pearl Harbor, the world became a different place. 

One of the things that I remember most vividly after the towers fell was the way that we reached out to each other.  Class and race and status didn't matter anymore because we were all hurting and we were all afraid.  We came together in a way that was unimaginable.  I imagine it was the same when Pearl Harbor was attacked.  America must have rallied and united behind a common goal.

I hope that we never forget the tragic moments that have shaped our existence, whether it's because we had a CNN- eye's view or just a chapter in a textbook.

Love,  Kristen

The opposite of peppy

You know that deep down to the bone feeling of exhaustion?

I'm there right now and I just don't see an end in sight.  Here it is 830 in the am and I would give almost anything for a nap.  I'm just done for.

Sadly so much of my exhaustion is self- inflicted.  I have four kids.  That wears me out.  I'm going to school.  That makes my brain tired.  I like to run.  That makes my body tired.  My husband works so that I can stay home.  That makes me lonely. 

Before this pity party gets too out of control I have to make it clear that I know exactly how blessed I am.  My bills are paid, my children are healthy and my better half loves me.  All of those things (plus a million more) show me exactly how much I am loved but that doesn't make me any less tired.  Maybe that makes me ungrateful, I don't know. 

I've been trying to cut back and just say no but then I deal with the infamous "G".  You know, guilt.  I'm pretty sure guilt is a woman, an obnoxious woman.  I picture her as a tired and sloppy woman with really bad hair who says things like "if you don't want to be me, you need to do more" or "you're just not working hard enough".  I get it G, I get!  But here's the kicker, even though I know that guilt isn't helpful I still let her hang out.  Just a little while ago I had to say "no more" to one of my volunteer positions and I've gotta tell you, I'm really upset with myself.  I feel like I have let down a group of people and now they are just forced to pick up the pieces.  That makes me feel horrible, like a failure. 

My default setting is usually funny with a heavy dose of sarcasm but I'm just not feeling it right now.  If I were to find a chocolate doughnut hole I'd probably break down in tears.  I want to have fun with my kids and enjoy spending time with the husband.  But right now I just want to do some cave dwelling.  Dark.  Quiet.  Alone.  Sounds good to me.

Folks, I'm just worn out.  I don't get days off and the toll is starting to show.  Sometimes I need to vent a bit and then I'm okay.  I've got good friends and loving family and help from above. 

I think I'll make it, I really do.

Saying Goodbye

Here's the truth, I've been in an abusive relationship for too long and it's time to move on.  I've been belittled.  I've been insulted.  I've been made to feel worthless.  Do you remember that quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"?  Well Eleanor had it right, I've let this happen and it's time to put a stop to the madness.

I'm taking back my life.  I'm taking charge of my future.  I'm moving on.

My abuser has a name.  Before you start calling the police and reporting a domestic violence situation let me let you in on a little secret, it's not the husband.  Him and I are rock solid, it's the other person in our relationship.  His name is ED.  No, that's not his full name.  He signs his hurtful words and underhanded plots with his real name, Eating Disorder.

Yep, that's right.  I've been fighting ED for years now and I'm tired of it.  He's been sneaky, he has told me that because I'm not anorexic or bulimic that I don't have a problem.  Ha, that's a lie.  Any unhealthy relationship with food falls under ED's domain. 

He's been telling me lies.  Here's an example.

ED:  You don't really think you'll ever be healthy/thin/ strong do you?
Me:  Well, I'd really like to be healthy.
ED: You know it's never going to happen so why bother?
Me:  You're probably right, I don't want to be that person anyways.
ED:  It's too much work and you know you're too lazy anyways, I'd give up if I were you.

Nice guy huh?

ED:  The kids want you to make cookies so you have two choices, you can have no cookies or you can have them all.
Me:  What if I just want one?
ED: Ya, like that's ever worked before.  You know you can't do it so don't even bother.  You have no self control.
Me:  You're right, I should probably just eat until my stomach hurts.  I can always start tomorrow.
ED:  Good plan.  Tomorrow would be perfect.

It took me a long time to put a name to this kind of thinking because I had always assumed that I was the one telling myself these hurtful things.  Eventually I started to believe that every person was on a mission to hurt me.  Every time someone said something nice to me I was certain they were lying.  After all why would anyone believe anything good about me?

ED is sneaky.  ED gets into every part of your life and there is nothing sacred to him.  Your parenting?  Fair game.  Your friendships?  Bring it on.  Your relationship with your husband?  There's lots of material right there.  He had been telling me that if only I were thinner and more in control of my eating that I would be happier and that life would be better.

ED is a freaking liar!  He doesn't know anything about happiness or love or true peace.  He tries to make everything about food or exercise or the way you feel about your body.  He doesn't know that life is about so much more than that.

I don't know if ED will ever truly go away but now I know he's there and I know that I'm not the one telling myself lies.  Here's how one of our conversations goes these days.

ED:  You know you ate too much at lunch so you shouldn't eat for the rest of the day.
Me:  Why would I do that?
ED:  Well overeating at one meal means that you have to eat too much for the rest of the day.  You'd be better off it you just went to bed hungry.
Me:  Can you hear yourself?  You are such an idiot.  Making one mistake doesn't doom me to a life of heartache.

That was very mature and thoughtful.  Most of the time this is how it goes.

ED:  You really need to go eat the rest of the birthday cake.
Me:  Shut your face ED!

It's a battle.  I wish that it were possible to just erase this from my life. If only I had that magic wand.  Deep down I know what is best for my health and sanity and while having imaginary conversations with an eating disorder might not be your idea of sane it's helping me to move on to a peaceful place and isn't that what life is about?

What every guy wants

I'm a mom.  Did you guys know that?  It's true, I'm hanging out in the trenches with all the dirty diapers and "that's yucky!" meals and the crying and the whining and the perfect moments when I remember why I love being Momma. 

Classic Miles' pic.  Squirrel laugh, distracted kid and the top of a head.

But I get a little tired of moms and the media touting the hard job that a mother has with no mention of dad.  Yes, mom does work hard.  No, she never gets a break.  Yes, it's a thankless job.  No, there are no immediate benefits. 

But what about dad*?

What about the guy that works to make it all happen?  You know, the guy who pays the bills.  At least around here he does.  I know that not everyone has a traditional situation where mom stays home and dad works but no matter what version of life you're living, those guys of ours, they're pretty amazing**.

They rarely get a sick day (not that we do either but at least we don't have to pretend to function around other adults).  They don't get to skip work and hang out on the couch just because (have you seen my laundry room?  There has been some definite skipping around these parts).  They have to deal with the crazy they married  (okay, maybe that's just my guy, I'm sure the rest of you are sane).  The load that these men carry is staggering.  I feel like I'm a pretty strong and resourceful person but the thought of being responsible for 4 midget mouths and meeting work obligations and working on an intensive Master's program makes me want to cry.

I think that it must be confusing to be a man.  Seriously, I do.  We expect them to have all the answers yet they must always agree with us and assure us that we are right.  We want them to be strong and fearless but then we get frustrated when they won't share every feeling with us.  We expect for them to always be happy and glad to see us while we are allowed to cry and blame all of our problems on them.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way.  The rest of you are probably 100% supportive and never play emotional games with your partners but I'm not quite that mature.  I'm working on it and I'm probably doing better than I was when we first started but I've got a long ways to go.

So the moral of this ramble is that I love my husband.  I think he's the hardest working man I know.  I am trying to treat him with more dignity and respect.  He deserves a wife that loves and supports him and allows him room to be himself. 

Isn't that what every guy needs?
 
*Single moms, I don't know how you do it.  My momma was one and I know of no group of women who are stronger or more incredible.  My imaginary hat's off to you.

**Unless he's an abusive jerk, if he hurts you with words or with fists, please get out.  You're better than that.

Reality Check

There are times when life gets hard and I feel like I'm one mess away from disaster.  But when it comes down to it, I don't know anything about real grief or heartache.  There is a woman named Lisa King from Australia and her story will touch every part of your heart.

I'm grateful for families, love and hope of something more after this life.

Love you guys!

Kristen 

Survival of the tiredest.

We have four kids running around the house these days causing trouble, spilling blood and creating laundry but we've never really felt like our family is complete.  The husband and I have wanted one or two more but we haven't been in a huge hurry.  About six monthsish ago we decided it was time to add another Miles to the family.  We prayed about it, felt that it was right and decided to go for it.

Fast forward a half a year or so and still no baby but those four kids are still around and getting busier and the husband still works full time plus some more and is going to grad school and a few classes of my own and I started to feel like I was hanging on to my sanity by a short and rapidly fraying thread.  I was spending too much time frustrated with my kids, upset with my husband and just overwhelmed and tired.  So after more prayer and talking with my better half and more tears than one girl should ever cry, we, along with divine confirmation, made the decision that for now our family has four children and that's okay. 

Right now I can't handle another baby.  I want one.  I see people all around me with cute baby bumps and sweet newborns and I want to be there again.  But I also want to be present for the four babies I've already been blessed with.  I want to be a supportive wife as my husband works harder and longer hours than most people and does everything that he can to make our lives better. I can't tell you why the answer six months ago was different than it is now, I don't understand the way God works but I know that He cares about me, He knows what I can deal with right now and He knows that my plate is full these days.

So many times we look at other people and see the way they are able to deal with life and kids and school and stress and we feel like such failures.  We forget to give ourselves a break and accept that every person's abilities are different.  So when I see those mommas with baby bumps and screaming newborns my heart twinges a little bit but that's okay.  When it's right, we'll know. 

Until then I'll just enjoy sleeping through the night.

Kristen

Sometimes you get it right

Several months ago I wrote about a child that was struggling.  A child that I love and want the best for.  It was hard for me to put those thoughts and feelings out there but the response I got was absolutely incredible.  I was overwhelmed at the nice things people had to say and the unconditional love that I felt for me and my family. 

At that point I was trying to come to terms with the idea that there might be issues that needed to be dealt with and frankly I was having a hard time getting past the anger.  I was angry that this child was struggling and I wanted to scream when well meaning people would mention the challenges.  I wanted to tell people to mind their own freaking business.  Fortunately I have a bit of self control so I contained my wrath and smiled and said "thanks for your concern". 

I think I'm past the "ripping someone's head off" stage and I'm firmly in "let's deal with life and move on".  So here are a few of the more successful things we've tried.

TV- Back in August when school started I told the kids that the tv didn't work on school days.  I think they thought I was just messing with them but I was serious.  And now months later the tv stays off and it's not a big deal.  I'm not gonna lie, those first few weeks were pretty brutal.

"can I watch a show?" 

"no"

 "can I watch a show?" 

"no" 

"can I watch a show?"

But now they don't ask (really no lie, they don't).  They know the rule and they know I'm not kidding.  Here's a cool bonus, we have more time.  Yes, I know that's kind of a duh for the rest of the world but I didn't think we were watching that much so I didn't realize what a difference it would make.  The kids have learned how to play with each other and use their imaginations.  That can't hurt, well, usually not.

Food-  I've made a few little changes to our diet.  No cold cereal for breakfast (except for Saturdays when Daddy cooks) and more fruit.  My kids are veggie haters so fruit is what works for us.  I'm also cooking with more whole grains and less processed anything. I don't have any scientific proof handy but I know that when I eat healthy I feel a zillion times better and I'm seeing little changes in the way my kids act so as easy as it is to pull out the mac and cheese, we're trying to avoid that, mostly...

Me-  This is the big one, the one that has made the most difference and is frankly, the hardest one to change.  I have had to learn that my child's reaction to a situation is not a reflection on me as a parent. I'm not a bad mom.  I'm not a bad person.  It doesn't help the problem if I freak out and start yelling and it doesn't make me look any better.  Like I've said before, my children need unconditional love.  They don't need to be yelled at or made to feel like less of a person.  The world can take care of that, I'd rather be the safe harbor and to do that I have to be very careful that in the heat of the moment I just take a deep breath and move on with life.

Turning off the tv, reading more books, eating healthier and enjoying the time we have as a family has made a difference.  We still struggle with focusing and tormenting siblings and following the rules but slowly things are getting better. 

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

Kristen

Reason 1,000,001 why we love Dave Ramsey

Dave's Take on Occupy Wall Street

By Dave Ramsey
"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!" Yeah, that's great. But what do you want? What are your goals? What are your demands? What result are you looking for?
The beauty of being vague is that anyone who has any emotion can get caught up in the excitement and join your crusade. They'll just get mad at something and assume that you're both mad about the same thing. Put a few hundred of these people together, and boom. You've got a crowd, a headline and a lot of attention … but no message.
A lot of people on Twitter are saying I totally agree with the Occupy Wall Street (OWS) demands and goals. The only problem is that I have no idea what their demands and goals are. And neither does anyone else. If all you ever do is stomp around, yell and hold up signs protesting a million different things, sure you'll get some attention, but over time, you'll just look foolish. You end up coming across like a three-year-old having a temper tantrum.
This is what's happening to the OWS movement. They're being discredited because no one has stepped forward and really stated what it is they're after. The whole group is coming across like a bunch of jacked-up, jobless, wannabe hippies. That's not going to change anything in this country. You've got to state your goals clearly if you want to accomplish something.
So in the absence of any clear goals, let me comment and offer some helpful advice in some areas that seem to be getting a lot of disorganized OWS attention.

"No Government Bailouts!"

Banks and big companies should not receive taxpayer money for a bailout while their CEOs are making hundreds of millions of dollars. If that's your gripe, then you're protesting in the wrong location. Pack up and head to Washington, D.C., to deliver your message to the current administration. Don't get me wrong—I totally support a company's freedom to pay their leaders well. I just don't believe that I, as a taxpayer, should subsidize those huge salaries in the form of taxpayer bailouts. I pay my own team members; I don't need to pay everyone else's too.
By the way, you may be shocked to learn that the Tea Party agrees with you on this one—and so do I.

"Down With Corporate Greed!"

Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad—very bad. It's a spiritual disease, and it is a disease that sadly affects a lot of companies across the country. If you believe a specific company is acting purely out of greed, then don't just get mad—do something. Point out where and how they're greedy and let the world know. Stop doing business with them. If enough people listen to you, the company will get the message because you'll hit them where it hurts: the bottom line. If they don't get their act together, then they'll go out of business and another business will take their place.
But if you're saying that all businesses are greedy and that capitalism itself is evil and ineffective, then I'm sorry—you're just being stupid. You're being misled and misinformed by some of the louder voices around you. Are you wearing clothes? Have you eaten any food lately? Do you have an iPhone in your pocket to check in with Twitter and Facebook while you're out marching around? Good. All of those products and services are brought to you by quality companies dedicated to serving you well in a capitalistic system that works just fine.

"Wall Street Is Evil!"

If you have this painted on a sign, well, now you just look ignorant. Wall Street is a street that people drive on. The New York Stock Exchange is a building where people exchange stocks in New York. This is the flea market of the financial world. Don't turn Wall Street into some terrible monster attacking American citizens. It's just a road with some buildings on it.
But here's what happens. Sometimes when people don't understand something, they start to fear it. And as the fear grows, it turns into anger. But just because you don't understand something, you shouldn't see it as bad or frightening or a conspiracy. You should just think of it as an opportunity to learn something new—something that could actually be a blessing to you.
For example, imagine a group of natives out in the jungle in the farthest part of the world. I mean, picture a group of people who have never seen anyone outside of their tribe and have certainly never seen any kind of machine. What would they think if they saw a Red Cross helicopter land near them? And what would they think of the strange-looking men and women who jump out of the chopper and start walking toward them? They'd be freaked out! They wouldn't know or care if the Red Cross was there to help them with food or medicine. They'd think it was the end of the world or something because their minds would be totally blown!
I hate to say it, but a lot of OWS protestors are just about as uninformed as those jungle natives when it comes to how the American financial system works. A road and an office building. That's Wall Street.

"Wealth Redistribution Is the Answer!"

I've heard a lot about wealth redistribution over the past few years, and I'm sure you've heard it too. Call it whatever you want, but this is how it usually sounds to most Americans: "We are the 99% of Americans who don't have as much as the 1%, so we're mad and think the government should take their wealth and property away so that we can have a piece of it. Wealth inequality is a moral breakdown! We should all spread the money around so everyone gets a fair share!"
I have my toughest critique for those who believe this: You are a thief. When someone takes my money and gives me no say in the matter, that's called theft—whether they're using a gun or the government. At the core of this demand is envy. And that's not the same as jealousy. Jealousy just says, "I want what you have." Envy is a different beast. Envy says, "I don't think I can ever have what you have, so you shouldn't have it either." Decades of horrible economic teaching and the politics of envy have kept this monster alive and growing and moving forward.
This way of thinking makes you assume that all rich people are evil and have scammed their way into wealth. That may be true in the tale of Robin Hood, but I choose to live in the real world. Sure, there are some scoundrels, but the vast majority of successful men and women got that way by working hard and serving people—lots of people. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates changed the world in ways we're just now starting to realize. Their positive impact on the world has helped all of us live better lives, and they made fortunes for themselves by doing so. Why is it that you're holy if you help one person but evil if you help a million? That's just stupid.

A good friend of mine is a country music legend. He's made a bazillion dollars over his career, and he just bought a $400,000 car. He's worked like a crazy person his whole life, spending decades in tour buses, writing songs in the middle of the night, and entertaining enormous crowds of cheering fans. He paid a price to get there, and I'm happy for his success. Would it be right for me to walk into his house and demand my "fair share" of his wealth? Heck no! I'm a terrible singer! I didn't do one thing to contribute to his success, so why would I be entitled to a share of his wealth? He's given me years of entertainment through his music. That's my fair share of his hard work.
My problems aren't his fault. And my problems aren't McDonald's fault or Home Depot's fault or Walmart's fault, either. My problems are my fault! And the more people these companies serve, the more money they make—and that's none of my business! If you don't like McDonald's, then here's an idea: Don't eat there. But don't walk into the restaurant and demand a portion of their proceeds for the day.
When you scream, "I'm in the 99%!" you just look like a whiner. Those of us willing to pay the price to win look at you and shrug. Heck, when it comes to the music business, I'm in the 99% myself! But that doesn't mean I have to tear Toby Keith, Brad Paisley or even Kanye down. Oh, and a special note just for Kanye: Capitalism has been pretty good to you. I celebrate your success, but you look a little hypocritical protesting capitalism while wearing a $50,000 watch.

Celebrate the Land of Opportunity

This is the greatest country on the planet, but even here, you're not guaranteed wealth, talent, fame, a full head of hair or six-pack abs. Those things are not in the Constitution. You are, however, guaranteed the freedom to make your life what you want it to be. And when you do that, when you build your life around your dreams and passions and hard work, you're guaranteed the right to keep it. No one has the right to take it away from you.
So to summarize, I'm not very impressed at the moment. I'm not impressed by your temper fit. I'm not impressed at your lack of goals and focus. I'm not impressed by the fact that the only thing I see about your movement is ignorance, immaturity and envy. Grow up—and get a job.
Yes, there are jobs out there. There are jobs out there that haven't even been invented yet. Go create the next Facebook or Weed Eater. Go pick up so much dog poop that you can start your own fertilizer company. And stop complaining that companies are TOO RICH while also complaining that they aren't RICH ENOUGH to hire you! I've seen a lot of you guys. I wouldn't hire you, either. But if you take all of that energy and excitement and pour it into something new and creative, you'll get the chance to serve a whole lot of people really well, and over a decade or two, you'll get to become the very thing you're now protesting: rich people who actually earned their money.
 
Check out Dave at  www.daveramsey.com and see why we credit him for turning our finances around.

Kristen

Labels, that's it, just labels

I'm giving you fair warning right now, this is one of my more serious posts.  I don't dig too deeply too often because, well, that's just not who I am.  I'm a pretty private person and I usually don't feel like baring my soul.  Having said that I've got something I'd like to talk about.

I think one of my children might have some sort of attention disorder, as in, it's a challenge for this child to focus, to follow the rules, to understand boundaries, to interact with siblings, I could go on.  This child, and no, I won't tell you who it is so if you know our family and have an idea of who it might be, please don't tell me.  Anyhow, this child that I helped create, that spent 38 weeks growing under my heart, that I love and cherish and that always tugs at my heart is having a hard time.  No, we haven't been to a doctor and we don't have an official diagnosis so nothing's certain but my gut is telling me something is off.  I also don't feel like we need to go the medication route right now.  We have time on our side and we have the opportunity to see if there are things that I can adjust in our environment that will help this sweet child.

I've been doing some reading, some asking, some praying and some fasting and I'm coming up with a few answers.  Across the board TV is a big problem, I don't know the scientific reasons but in a nutshell it teaches children to process things very quickly, much quicker than real life and that makes it hard for them to concentrate in a classroom, in the home or when playing with friends.  So we're cutting back on our television.  Raise your hand if you've ever used PBS Kids to get a shower in?  Yep, I have.  There seems to be a lot of conflicting information about food out there.  My common sense tells me that the closer I can get our food to it's natural state, the better it will be not only for this issue but for the good of my family.  That means Cheeto's are probably not a winner.  Darn.  Exercise is another idea.  Now whether it needs to be an organized activity or just more backyard time, the answers vary.  We're pretty low key around here, we definitely underschedule our kids and you know what, it works for this family.  However I do think learning to do specific, repetitive activities in an environment that is based on rules and consequences would help this little one.  I think I might look into Karate, isn't the idea behind martial arts focus and discipline?  There are lots of ideas out there and what works for one family might not work for another.

I am concerned about this child being labeled, whether it's by friends, teachers or family, I don't want this to become an issue.  Basically I don't want people's perceptions of this child colored by whatever diagnosis comes along.  I'm not trying to ignore problems that may come but I also don't want this to become a crutch for this child to lean on.  Here's an example that might make my point a little more clear.  When our twins were born our daughter, Pinky did not pass any of her hearing tests.  This went on for months and we just weren't getting any answers.  We weren't sure if she had any hearing loss and to what degree but we did know that no matter what happened we weren't going to treat her any differently.  She was still our perfect daughter, she would still accomplish great things, we just were going to communicate differently.  That's it.  Long story short, the problem ended up being some pretty nasty blockage, we fixed the problem and she's perfect and she's doing great things and let me tell you, the girl knows how to communicate!  My point is that the diagnosis doesn't define the child and we don't want it to become the convenient excuse for not succeeding at whatever it is our child chooses to do.  Does that make sense?  I hope you hear my heart and understand what I'm trying to say. 

Right now I don't know the answers.  I don't know the solution.  I don't know if this is a real problem or if this is just the age.  I just don't know.  I do know that I love my child with everything I have.  When I first held this baby I knew that this was a special one.  This little body has so much good and so much potential that it's just bursting to get out.  I guess it's my job to love unconditionally without labels or restraint.  I need to be that safe place when the world labels and judges and just doesn't understand.  I guess that's what motherhood is all about no matter what your child's challenges are.  Right now I am grateful for that.

Kristen