Tuesday, November 27, 2012

The definition of insanity is...

One morning I decided to be the perfect mom.  I was going to be perfectly calm, happy and I was only going to feed my family "real" food.  Tangent alert, why is it called real food?  Anything that is edible counts as food, right?  That's the premise I operate on.  But like I was saying, I geared up for a day of perfection.  Let's not get into the good mood or the boundless patience, that's definitely a topic for another day.  Right now I'm going to tell you about my "real" food experiment.

I started the morning with blueberry pancakes.  Yum right?  Wrong.  Four kids.  Four untouched plates.  "Momma, this looks gross!" or even better  "why do we have to have yucky stuff in our pancakes?"

Lunch rolled around.  I made a delicious pan of homemade macaroni and cheese.  I'm talking about the good baked kind.  I served it with fresh fruits and vegetables.  The punks ate the apples and refused to try anything else.  "I hate big macaroni!" and in case I was feeling good about myself, "this looks like when Doggie gets sick!"

Finally for dinner I made the classic dinner (if you're from Kansas or Nebraska or somewhere like that), maybe you've heard of them, they're called bierocks.  Basically they're a brioche dough wrapped around a filling of ground beef, cabbage and cheese.  Totally not gross.  Unless of course I gave birth to you. 

I gave up.  I swore that I would never set foot in the kitchen to fill their lunch trays, never ever again.

I kept my promise too.  Well, until the next morning.

But I'm here to tell you that I have found the solution, the answer, the light from above.  The dinner I made tonight was a total winner.  I caught a kid licking his plate, that's how good they thought it was.  It's also slightly ironic that there was a plate licker because, well, this crock pot creation kinda, sorta, most definitely resembled wet dog food.  I'm thinking of calling it, wait for it... "Alpo, For People".  I did not take a picture because well, Alpo but I will share the super complicated recipe.  Are you ready?

6 chicken breasts
1 pound of sausage
1 bottle of BBQ sauce

Yep, that's it.  Pathetic huh?  It gets better.  Throw it all in the crock- pot, turn it on low and walk away.  You'll know it's done when your house smells really good but your food looks like wet dog food. 

I've reached an all new kitchen low.  I may never recover.

PS- I just realized that my real food day was pretty carb heavy.  In my defense it was all whole grains, you know, good stuff like that.


  1. I can't breathe. I'm dying. "Totally not gross. Unless of course I gave birth to you." and everything following "I caught a kid licking his plate..."

  2. Hilarious, and I totally feel your pain, sometimes comments like that come from the 18 year old at our table.


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