Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The opposite of peppy

You know that deep down to the bone feeling of exhaustion?

I'm there right now and I just don't see an end in sight.  Here it is 830 in the am and I would give almost anything for a nap.  I'm just done for.

Sadly so much of my exhaustion is self- inflicted.  I have four kids.  That wears me out.  I'm going to school.  That makes my brain tired.  I like to run.  That makes my body tired.  My husband works so that I can stay home.  That makes me lonely. 

Before this pity party gets too out of control I have to make it clear that I know exactly how blessed I am.  My bills are paid, my children are healthy and my better half loves me.  All of those things (plus a million more) show me exactly how much I am loved but that doesn't make me any less tired.  Maybe that makes me ungrateful, I don't know. 

I've been trying to cut back and just say no but then I deal with the infamous "G".  You know, guilt.  I'm pretty sure guilt is a woman, an obnoxious woman.  I picture her as a tired and sloppy woman with really bad hair who says things like "if you don't want to be me, you need to do more" or "you're just not working hard enough".  I get it G, I get!  But here's the kicker, even though I know that guilt isn't helpful I still let her hang out.  Just a little while ago I had to say "no more" to one of my volunteer positions and I've gotta tell you, I'm really upset with myself.  I feel like I have let down a group of people and now they are just forced to pick up the pieces.  That makes me feel horrible, like a failure. 

My default setting is usually funny with a heavy dose of sarcasm but I'm just not feeling it right now.  If I were to find a chocolate doughnut hole I'd probably break down in tears.  I want to have fun with my kids and enjoy spending time with the husband.  But right now I just want to do some cave dwelling.  Dark.  Quiet.  Alone.  Sounds good to me.

Folks, I'm just worn out.  I don't get days off and the toll is starting to show.  Sometimes I need to vent a bit and then I'm okay.  I've got good friends and loving family and help from above. 

I think I'll make it, I really do.


  1. I don't know why, but your anthropomorphizing of Guilt as a sloppy haired, obnoxious woman is a revelation. It's so much easier to say "Get out of my house" to something that has a face (even if it's an imaginary one) than "Get out of my head" to an abstract concept.

    Next time that loud-mouthed woman shows up, I'm going to try kicking her out of my house, rather than wrestling with her and giving her attention.

    I'm praying for you!

  2. Last night, Jed and I were in therapy (yes, we go to a marriage therapist) and she had me do this same thing. She had me picture this constant voice of pressure and inadequacy to get some distance from it.

    I can relate, as I think most women can. And it's hard. Too hard for words, really.

    Just know that you're not alone. Please do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

  3. Ugh, I know how you feel. Just so tired from never getting a break. Love life, husband, kids, but I haven't stopped going for the last eight weeks. Between days with the twins, nights with the baby and not five minutes to myself, it's making me want to go into hibernation mode as well. Don't worry. You're so not alone.

  4. Oh, I hear you! Most days I'm just chugging along, the good and the bad are all a normal part of life, then some days are just...worse. Yesterday with 2 or 3 kids sick, no reinformcements available, and me sick too, I called my hubby and broke down in tears. I couldn't even talk. Oh, and potty training a 3 year old (not my idea, hsi own idea). Well, by the 3rd accident, being thrown up on by the baby, and no time to even think, my husband came back, took the sick baby to his meeting at a coffee shop (sorry other customers!). Today is a million times better, even though nothing has really changed, still sick, potty training, sick baby, but it's different.

    Your tomorrow will be different too:)


  5. Okay, here's Mom's two cents worth. Hang in there, enjoy or endure the ride, whichever works best and know that it is a season in your life. Remember when you slept late and only had yourself to worry about and even then Mom was there to take care of the details? Just a season. This season changes and you move into a new and different one. Each one wonderful and terrible, each one full of blessings and challenges to make your stronger. You are loved and I know you are doing awesome with your life. Hang in there and enjoy the changing color of this particular season.


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