You know that deep down to the bone feeling of exhaustion?
I'm there right now and I just don't see an end in sight. Here it is 830 in the am and I would give almost anything for a nap. I'm just done for.
Sadly so much of my exhaustion is self- inflicted. I have four kids. That wears me out. I'm going to school. That makes my brain tired. I like to run. That makes my body tired. My husband works so that I can stay home. That makes me lonely.
Before this pity party gets too out of control I have to make it clear that I know exactly how blessed I am. My bills are paid, my children are healthy and my better half loves me. All of those things (plus a million more) show me exactly how much I am loved but that doesn't make me any less tired. Maybe that makes me ungrateful, I don't know.
I've been trying to cut back and just say no but then I deal with the infamous "G". You know, guilt. I'm pretty sure guilt is a woman, an obnoxious woman. I picture her as a tired and sloppy woman with really bad hair who says things like "if you don't want to be me, you need to do more" or "you're just not working hard enough". I get it G, I get! But here's the kicker, even though I know that guilt isn't helpful I still let her hang out. Just a little while ago I had to say "no more" to one of my volunteer positions and I've gotta tell you, I'm really upset with myself. I feel like I have let down a group of people and now they are just forced to pick up the pieces. That makes me feel horrible, like a failure.
My default setting is usually funny with a heavy dose of sarcasm but I'm just not feeling it right now. If I were to find a chocolate doughnut hole I'd probably break down in tears. I want to have fun with my kids and enjoy spending time with the husband. But right now I just want to do some cave dwelling. Dark. Quiet. Alone. Sounds good to me.
Folks, I'm just worn out. I don't get days off and the toll is starting to show. Sometimes I need to vent a bit and then I'm okay. I've got good friends and loving family and help from above.
I think I'll make it, I really do.